1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000



2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000



3
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:38,042
Flu epidemic at peak. Paper.

4
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:42,042
Thousands away from work. Paper.

5
00:01:44,292 --> 00:01:46,667
His mudguard smashed against
my hand. Like this.

6
00:01:46,708 --> 00:01:49,167
Constable, this is really
important. Of national importance.

7
00:01:49,333 --> 00:01:51,416
Now just a moment please.
You say it's your right

8
00:01:51,417 --> 00:01:53,249
you were walking with
your back to the car?

9
00:01:53,250 --> 00:01:54,916
- Well, what if I was?
- You shouldn't have been.

10
00:01:54,917 --> 00:01:56,184
Always face the oncoming traffic.

11
00:01:56,208 --> 00:01:57,832
It was dangerous
driving just the same,

12
00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,292
and I'd like to
report... sedition.

13
00:01:59,667 --> 00:02:01,708
Just a minute, all of you.

14
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:05,791
Six down with flu now.
Difficult days, sergeant?

15
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,541
Yes, sir, very difficult
for some of us.

16
00:02:08,542 --> 00:02:11,458
What do you mean, some of us?
Difficult for all of us, in'it.

17
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:14,375
Well for those of us
who has to carry on.

18
00:02:14,417 --> 00:02:17,042
It can't be difficult
for those who have flu.

19
00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:18,916
They're in bed in
the section house.

20
00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:20,750
I don't get your
meaning, sergeant.

21
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:23,082
All I'm saying is, that
these are difficult

22
00:02:23,083 --> 00:02:24,917
times for those of
us who have flu.

23
00:02:24,958 --> 00:02:26,666
No, you said these are difficult

24
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:28,667
times for those of
us who haven't...

25
00:02:28,708 --> 00:02:30,041
Who haven't got flu.
Yes, you're right.

26
00:02:30,042 --> 00:02:31,333
Yes. I'm sorry... anyway look...

27
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:33,957
There's too much arguing goes on
here and it's bad for discipline.

28
00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:35,957
And discipline has been bad
in this station lately.

29
00:02:35,958 --> 00:02:39,375
Now, I've warned you once, haven't
I. I shan't warn you again.

30
00:02:39,417 --> 00:02:43,417
Yes, sir, this time
it's final... again.

31
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:48,042
Would you like to
see my shubunkin?

32
00:02:48,083 --> 00:02:50,875
If it'll give you
any satisfaction.

33
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,291
That's him with the
three stripes up. Or

34
00:02:54,292 --> 00:02:56,249
her. What about that
plain one there?

35
00:02:56,250 --> 00:02:57,666
What the copper?

36
00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:02,125
I'm hoping that's the opposite
of what the other one was.

37
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:04,208
Haven't got much room, have they?

38
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,208
They don't need much room
you know, for, er...

39
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:09,958
Anyway, I'm hoping to transfer
them to a garden pond.

40
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,666
Who's gonna dig that for you, sir?

41
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:12,708
I see. I am.

42
00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:14,917
Hard work never hurt
anyone, wilkie.

43
00:03:14,958 --> 00:03:17,167
Yes, I feel very well myself.
Do you. You surprise me.

44
00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,041
Anyway look, let's
see that my orders

45
00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:20,750
concisely given are
smartly carried out.

46
00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,292
Yes, sir.

47
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,768
Well, go on, what are
you waiting for?

48
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:28,166
You haven't given me an
order yet, sir. What?

49
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,541
You asked me to come and see you
about the replacements, sir.

50
00:03:30,542 --> 00:03:33,957
I did? On account of
the flu epidemic, sir.

51
00:03:33,958 --> 00:03:36,541
Yes, all right, all
right, you thought

52
00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,499
I'd forgotten it, didn't you?

53
00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:41,625
Three temporary replacements.

54
00:03:41,833 --> 00:03:43,333
Three.

55
00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:45,332
From the police
school. Anyway, chase

56
00:03:45,333 --> 00:03:47,125
them. Show 'em what discipline is.

57
00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:48,667
After all, these men
are volunteers.

58
00:03:48,708 --> 00:03:50,416
You've only got to
start giving them half

59
00:03:50,417 --> 00:03:52,042
a rousing and they
hand in their notice.

60
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:54,541
Well, don't argue, get on
with it. But remember my

61
00:03:54,542 --> 00:03:56,875
warning. If there's not
a change around here...

62
00:03:56,917 --> 00:04:00,708
I'm going to ask for
you to be transferred.

63
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:04,542
Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, sir.

64
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,208
What if I was?

65
00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,416
Well you shouldn't have been.
Always face the oncoming traffic.

66
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:10,707
It was dangerous
driving just the same

67
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,750
and I want to report... sedition.

68
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:15,625
Well, sergeant moon,
it's happened.

69
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:17,292
Threatened to
transfer you, has he?

70
00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:20,417
That crafty little... if you
weren't a lady, I'd say it.

71
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:23,541
If you weren't a gentleman,
I'd expect you to.

72
00:04:23,542 --> 00:04:26,125
What a marvellous
technique he's got.

73
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:27,999
Shove all the work onto the
sergeant. Then when it

74
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,893
looks like the sergeant's
gonna' get credit for it

75
00:04:29,917 --> 00:04:32,667
chase the sergeant from
ear'oles to breakfast time,

76
00:04:32,708 --> 00:04:35,082
panic him into making
a mistake, moan to

77
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:37,542
hq and bingo. The
sergeant's transferred.

78
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:39,643
Sergeant Wilkins, can you
lend me a hand here please.

79
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,500
Coming. Excuse me.

80
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,457
Look, all I want is my
provisional driving licence.

81
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:44,583
Post office.

82
00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:47,167
About time we had a few
purges in this country.

83
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:49,292
I was here before him.

84
00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:51,499
It's my neighbour's
radio. He plays it too

85
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,583
loud. Drives me crackers.
What can I do?

86
00:04:53,833 --> 00:04:55,332
Move. Next. Stick it, thurston.

87
00:04:55,333 --> 00:04:58,167
Relief's coming.
Replacements, sergeant?

88
00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:05,250
Three. Three keen, alert, helpful
raring-to-go constables. I hope.

89
00:05:15,958 --> 00:05:18,917
Hurry up. It's
nearly closing time.

90
00:05:18,958 --> 00:05:21,042
Good afternoon.

91
00:05:28,875 --> 00:05:33,333
Just a moment. Could you possibly
direct me to the police station?

92
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:36,792
Certainly. Just cross over and
it's up there on the left.

93
00:05:37,125 --> 00:05:39,624
Thanks awfully. I'm
round new here.

94
00:05:39,625 --> 00:05:41,667
So sorry to have delayed you.

95
00:05:41,708 --> 00:05:44,375
That's quite all right.

96
00:05:48,042 --> 00:05:49,541
Any luck? Rather.

97
00:05:49,542 --> 00:05:53,917
Thank goodness. All this trampling
about. My feet are killing me.

98
00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:57,167
What a nice fellow. He
said it's this way.

99
00:06:00,958 --> 00:06:02,458
Now what?

100
00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:05,833
A cross-eyed man
crossing our path.

101
00:06:05,875 --> 00:06:08,291
Cor. Shocking bad luck.

102
00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,875
Utter twaddle. Primitive
superstition.

103
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:13,957
You may sneer if you
wish, Benson, but I

104
00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:16,750
know that cosmic
forces rule our lives.

105
00:06:16,792 --> 00:06:20,582
And a cross-eyed man, seen when
the moon is in its third quarter,

106
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:24,417
it's just about the worst
omen there is, that is.

107
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:26,374
It means two misfortunes.

108
00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:29,207
You can tempt fate
if you like mate,

109
00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:32,083
but I'm not crossing
this road here.

110
00:06:37,250 --> 00:06:39,917
That's one misfortune.

111
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:49,208
That's two misfortunes.

112
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,958
All right, we can cross now.

113
00:06:52,958 --> 00:06:55,250
Thanks, chaps.

114
00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:19,041
I'll have a constable
to you right away.

115
00:07:19,042 --> 00:07:21,917
Why? Want to make a
male-voice quartet?

116
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,250
Ssh.

117
00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:27,375
Sergeant. It's our replacements.

118
00:07:29,417 --> 00:07:32,500
Welcome. Welcome.

119
00:07:33,375 --> 00:07:35,416
What a lovely sight, thurston?

120
00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:37,167
Not half, sergeant.

121
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:38,916
At ease, at ease.

122
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,957
I'm Benson. This is
constable Potter

123
00:07:40,958 --> 00:07:42,749
and this is constable constable.

124
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,541
Charlie constable.

125
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:49,917
Oh I get it, that's your name?

126
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:54,083
Yeah, and I'm fed up with it.
Everybody keeps taking the Mickey.

127
00:07:54,292 --> 00:07:56,916
Nobody will do that here,
constable constable.

128
00:07:56,917 --> 00:08:00,792
I'm very pleased to here
it, sergeant sergeant.

129
00:08:01,958 --> 00:08:04,083
Well then let's here
all about you then.

130
00:08:04,125 --> 00:08:06,499
What delayed you then couldn't you
find your way to the station?

131
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:07,666
That's right.

132
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:11,042
Sense of humour? Well that's
good. You need that in this job.

133
00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,625
So you're just out of police
school, are you? How'd you do?

134
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,917
Frightfully fit, thanks sergeant.

135
00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:17,875
No, how did you do at school?

136
00:08:17,917 --> 00:08:19,417
Horrible.

137
00:08:22,583 --> 00:08:25,457
You're pulling my leg,
aren't you? You didn't

138
00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:28,417
really do badly at school?
Tell me you didn't.

139
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:31,208
Well sergeant, we did pass.

140
00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,917
Only just. In my case,
it was sheer prejudice.

141
00:08:33,958 --> 00:08:37,208
The instructors... instructors.
Hopelessly old-fashioned.

142
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,333
All uniformly hostile to my
advanced forensic theories.

143
00:08:40,375 --> 00:08:43,250
That had nothing to do with it.

144
00:08:43,292 --> 00:08:46,624
Sergeant, on the
day of the finals,

145
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:49,541
a black cat fell off the roof.

146
00:08:49,542 --> 00:08:52,708
And Mars was in conjunction
with uranus at the time.

147
00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:58,667
I ask you, sergeant. How
could we possibly do well?

148
00:08:58,708 --> 00:09:01,958
Approximately 100
trainees did very well.

149
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,667
Well they must have been under
the influence of "pisces".

150
00:09:04,875 --> 00:09:06,667
Oh, "pisces" yourself.

151
00:09:06,708 --> 00:09:08,292
You septic.

152
00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:11,083
The word is sceptic,
you ignoramus.

153
00:09:11,125 --> 00:09:12,749
Boys, boys. Don't get so rattled.

154
00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:16,249
After all, exam results aren't
everything. Hear, hear.

155
00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:17,666
Hear, hear.

156
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:20,124
You just put us on the
beat, sergeant. We'll

157
00:09:20,125 --> 00:09:22,499
show the school instructors
a thing or two.

158
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,750
That's the spirit. Now
the first thing you...

159
00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:26,916
Sergeant, jewellery-shop
robbery off the main

160
00:09:26,917 --> 00:09:28,958
street. Subjects picked
up outside our area.

161
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,125
Yes lovely. Get on with it.

162
00:09:30,167 --> 00:09:32,291
Sergeant, when apprehended,
they were in hysterics.

163
00:09:32,292 --> 00:09:34,333
Psychopaths. Fascinating.

164
00:09:34,542 --> 00:09:37,166
Nutcases. Very sad. When you...

165
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:39,124
No sergeant, they was
laughing because

166
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:41,042
they thought it was
worth a stretch...

167
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:42,832
To be helped into their car not 20

168
00:09:42,833 --> 00:09:44,667
yards from the crime
by a constable.

169
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:46,917
A posh talking fellow
with a little moustache.

170
00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:49,541
What'd I tell you. Nutcases.
There's no constable

171
00:09:49,542 --> 00:09:51,792
answering to that
description stationed...

172
00:09:59,417 --> 00:10:01,875
The wall-eyed man.

173
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,792
What wall-eyed man?

174
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:07,875
An omen, I knew it was an omen.

175
00:10:09,417 --> 00:10:12,625
Mark my words, Jupiter's
behind all this.

176
00:10:12,875 --> 00:10:14,583
Jupiter?

177
00:10:14,625 --> 00:10:16,292
Jupken

178
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,416
- now are you convinced?
- No, I'm not.

179
00:10:19,417 --> 00:10:22,375
If you think the sight of
a cock-eyed pedestrian

180
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:24,708
can possibly make Potter any
more congenitally stupid

181
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,500
than he already is. You're
very much mistaken.

182
00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:29,666
Benson, step outside.

183
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:32,416
Yeah, step outside. Delighted.

184
00:10:32,417 --> 00:10:34,583
Just a minute, just a
minute. Look here.

185
00:10:34,625 --> 00:10:35,666
Hello.

186
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:36,750
Hello, gorse.

187
00:10:36,792 --> 00:10:40,375
Sorry I'm late sergeant, but I
just couldn't leave home without

188
00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:41,916
bringing something bright and gay

189
00:10:41,917 --> 00:10:43,625
for the poor
indisposed constables.

190
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:47,707
So it was off to my
greenhouse, and with a little

191
00:10:47,708 --> 00:10:50,375
snip here, a little snip
there... snip, snip

192
00:10:50,625 --> 00:10:53,375
and here we are with my love.

193
00:10:53,417 --> 00:10:56,958
Oh, what have I said? With my
very best floral greetings.

194
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,375
Thank you, gorse. Here,
do something with those.

195
00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:01,666
Now then, since you weren't
strictly on duty at

196
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,207
the time of the crime,
we'll forget about it.

197
00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:05,542
A crime? Goody. Where?

198
00:11:05,792 --> 00:11:07,458
Well you see, I was
going down the road...

199
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,957
I think we forget about it. I want

200
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:10,625
you to meet special
constable gorse.

201
00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:12,416
Benson. How do you do?

202
00:11:12,417 --> 00:11:13,750
Him.

203
00:11:13,792 --> 00:11:15,083
How do you do?

204
00:11:15,125 --> 00:11:17,917
Potter. How do you do?
And how do you do?

205
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:21,417
And now you shall all meet Bobby,
my budgie. Say hello, Bobby.

206
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,667
Hello, Bobby.

207
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,416
Isn't he the quaintest thing? I
just couldn't leave him behind.

208
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,832
Yes well, gorse will be
working full time with us

209
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:32,083
as from today, on account
of this flu trouble.

210
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,667
You'll all sleep together.

211
00:11:33,917 --> 00:11:35,958
Charmed, I'm sure.

212
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,875
Harfison.

213
00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:45,250
Yes, sergeant.

214
00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:47,625
Show these constables to
their quarters, please.

215
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,667
Certainly. This way.

216
00:11:49,958 --> 00:11:51,457
With you, anywhere.

217
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:54,166
Flu or no flu, I
take it we get some

218
00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:56,500
time off, policewoman Harrison.

219
00:11:56,708 --> 00:12:01,833
How do you like to spend it?
Cinema, dancing, or just talking?

220
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:04,125
Ooh.

221
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,667
A dog. Symbol of pluto.

222
00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:13,541
The darkest, most evil
planet of them all.

223
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:16,208
Oh, crikey.

224
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:18,917
Oh, dry up. What's that
animal doing here?

225
00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:21,542
She's a police dog, of course.
Her handler's off with flu.

226
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:24,207
Why wasn't that dog
tied up in his kennel?

227
00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:26,416
What you been noshing,
aniseed balls?

228
00:12:26,417 --> 00:12:28,624
Don't tell her off,
sergeant. She's very

229
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:30,791
affectionate. I think
she's taken to me.

230
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,291
Harrison, get these
men out of here.

231
00:12:32,292 --> 00:12:34,208
Yes, sergeant.

232
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,667
Come on, lady, this
way. Lady, this way.

233
00:12:40,792 --> 00:12:42,833
Lady.

234
00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:46,042
Sergeant wilk...

235
00:12:46,292 --> 00:12:49,042
When you can spare a moment.

236
00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:51,874
It'd be rather fun
to spend our off

237
00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:53,268
time together,
policewoman Harrison?

238
00:12:53,292 --> 00:12:55,750
We might get better acquainted,
hey policewoman Harrison.

239
00:12:55,792 --> 00:12:58,042
I can't keep calling you
that, it's such a mouthful.

240
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,417
What do your friends call you?

241
00:12:59,458 --> 00:13:00,625
Policewoman Harrison.

242
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:05,375
Oh that's a nice name. My name's
Potter, Tom Potter. None hotter.

243
00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:07,624
This is it.

244
00:13:07,625 --> 00:13:09,833
This is our accommodation?

245
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:12,417
All that's available. The men are
off sick are in their rooms.

246
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,500
I don't like it. There's
an old saying, it says...

247
00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:19,916
Spend your first night in a
strange bed below ground level...

248
00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:24,083
And bad luck will haunt you
straight from the devil.

249
00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:25,999
There are the keys.
Sort yourselves out

250
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,749
and report back to
sergeant Wilkins.

251
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:32,583
Yes, sir. Bless you.

252
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:37,500
Policewoman Harrison.

253
00:13:37,542 --> 00:13:39,583
Yes, what is it? I'm busy.

254
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:42,582
Not too busy to get
acquainted, I hope?

255
00:13:42,583 --> 00:13:45,500
I'll think about it.

256
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,417
Don't take too long.

257
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:55,708
I say chaps, I think I'm
going to like it here.

258
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:58,166
Like it here. How can
you say that, Potter?

259
00:13:58,167 --> 00:14:00,832
With all the omens
stacked up against us

260
00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:03,499
like a wall of doom.
I've warned you...

261
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,707
Yes, yes, we know. When Mars
is in conjunction with uranus

262
00:14:06,708 --> 00:14:10,375
it's gonna be a bumpy
night. Come on.

263
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:15,292
I never said that.

264
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:18,792
You sent for us, sergeant.

265
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:19,916
And here we are.

266
00:14:19,917 --> 00:14:21,791
Keen, aren't you? Rather.

267
00:14:21,792 --> 00:14:23,582
Right, we'll put you
to work right away.

268
00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:25,500
Gorse, you patrol area
five, till relieved.

269
00:14:25,542 --> 00:14:30,125
Benson, I've got something
special for you.

270
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,000
Sergeant, on my first day, too.

271
00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:33,542
This way.

272
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,375
Willy.

273
00:14:40,583 --> 00:14:42,625
Willy.

274
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:44,708
Police.

275
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,124
Oh.

276
00:14:46,125 --> 00:14:49,125
Police. Police.

277
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:51,417
Dull coppers.

278
00:14:52,208 --> 00:14:55,708
Get out of my way, you
fool, I want a policeman.

279
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:58,250
Madam, I am a policeman.

280
00:14:58,542 --> 00:15:03,417
So you are. Oh, thank heavens.
What a blessed release.

281
00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:08,333
It's my little boy, officer,
he's gone. Find my little Willy.

282
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:12,417
Madam. Panic not. I must
have your full particulars.

283
00:15:12,708 --> 00:15:16,792
Oh, hurry up then, do. Have
pity on a mother's agony.

284
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,916
Madam, I assure you I
shall have him back

285
00:15:19,917 --> 00:15:22,708
here before you can
say Jack Robinson...

286
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:24,291
Where you been. You
perishing little

287
00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:25,874
stop-out. Giving me
a turn like that.

288
00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,832
I'll skin you alive.
Madam, you've no...

289
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:34,625
You shut up and buzz off and mind
your own business, bluebottle.

290
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:38,333
I'll tell your dad. He
won't half have your guts.

291
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,167
I say, madam, wait.

292
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,417
Lady.

293
00:16:13,792 --> 00:16:17,667
Heel, lady, heel. Heel.

294
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,375
Lady, wait.

295
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,375
Lady, wait. Lady, come back.

296
00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,292
Lady. Lady.

297
00:16:33,917 --> 00:16:35,542
Lady.

298
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:37,625
Oh.

299
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,917
Oh, where's the doggy gone?

300
00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:44,791
Confound the creature. I've
done myself an injury.

301
00:16:44,792 --> 00:16:46,292
I nearly broke my neck.

302
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,583
- Have you studied it?
- Ok yes.

303
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:50,874
All right, first question.

304
00:16:50,875 --> 00:16:52,582
Ready? Right.

305
00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:55,582
What's the shortest
route between waverly

306
00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:58,833
square and the south end
of the high street?

307
00:16:58,875 --> 00:17:03,166
I don't know, I'm a
stranger here myself.

308
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,750
Let's be serious, shall we?

309
00:17:04,792 --> 00:17:08,125
Oh, Charlie, why don't you laugh
sometimes, or even smile?

310
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:10,166
Life's a serious
business my friend.

311
00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:12,042
The powerful forces of destiny...

312
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:14,457
If only you knew the
world's most powerful

313
00:17:14,458 --> 00:17:16,667
force is the sparkle
in a popsy's eyes.

314
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:19,416
Oh please. Let's study our routes.

315
00:17:19,417 --> 00:17:22,457
I'm only interested
in one. The route

316
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,125
to policewoman Harrison's heart.

317
00:17:25,792 --> 00:17:28,333
Yes. Thank you, goodbye.

318
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:34,957
Wpc passworthy,
sergeant. Reporting

319
00:17:34,958 --> 00:17:36,541
on temporary attachment.

320
00:17:36,542 --> 00:17:37,833
Oh.

321
00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:41,666
As a connoisseur of
police personalities,

322
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:44,291
let me state that I
have never before

323
00:17:44,292 --> 00:17:46,917
been arrested with
such charm. Never.

324
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:49,333
I salute her.

325
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:54,417
You mean you arrested mrs
may on your way here?

326
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,999
I wasn't yet on station strength,

327
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,916
sergeant, I know, but
I was in uniform.

328
00:17:59,917 --> 00:18:01,541
I was called to the
public house, the coach

329
00:18:01,542 --> 00:18:03,166
and horses by a barman
with a bleeding head.

330
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:06,832
Yes well, I can imagine
the circumstances.

331
00:18:06,833 --> 00:18:10,417
Mrs may is a regular
customer of ours.

332
00:18:10,458 --> 00:18:14,042
Oh, charming. You're
all so charming.

333
00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:19,499
Ok, passworthy, you did well.
Good start. I'll charge her.

334
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:21,374
Usual? Drunk?

335
00:18:21,375 --> 00:18:23,167
And disorderly.

336
00:18:23,792 --> 00:18:25,499
Take her to the cells,
they're just...

337
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,667
I can find my own way,
thank you sergeant.

338
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:30,166
Ah, you see. You watch
out, sergeant. She'll

339
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,333
have your job from
you within the week.

340
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:35,417
Bye now.

341
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:41,041
I usually have that
nice cell with the

342
00:18:41,042 --> 00:18:44,917
southern exposure,
policewoman passworthy.

343
00:18:48,375 --> 00:18:50,624
My dear girl, for you
to trouble to take me

344
00:18:50,625 --> 00:18:52,833
any further. I know my
way perfectly well.

345
00:18:52,875 --> 00:18:55,958
No trouble, mrs may, it's my job.

346
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,083
Aha-ha. Me old
friend, number five.

347
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:02,167
You really ought to be ashamed
of yourself at this time of day.

348
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:04,207
If you're referring to
the fact that I had

349
00:19:04,208 --> 00:19:06,417
eight or nine brandies
to help my digestion...

350
00:19:06,458 --> 00:19:08,916
And also to the fact that
that crude fellow of

351
00:19:08,917 --> 00:19:11,167
a barman insulted me
by asking me to leave.

352
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,624
Well all I can say
is that I did what

353
00:19:13,625 --> 00:19:15,832
any lady would do in
the circumstances.

354
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:19,375
I hit him on the head
with a siphon soda.

355
00:19:19,417 --> 00:19:24,166
Well, just settle down and behave
yourself, mrs may. Sleep it off.

356
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:28,833
I don't like your tone, my
girl, I don't like it at all.

357
00:19:28,875 --> 00:19:32,124
I'm going to write to my
close friend, the home

358
00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:35,042
secretary about you.
Overwrought I may be.

359
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:38,291
To hear you go on,
anyone would think

360
00:19:38,292 --> 00:19:40,917
I was seeing things. Not nice.

361
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:47,250
Heavens, I'm seeing things.

362
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,667
Look, in that cell, policemen.

363
00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:53,833
Now, mrs may, I can see them, too.

364
00:19:53,875 --> 00:19:59,875
Who heard of policemen in a cell?
Fetch a doctor from Harley street.

365
00:20:01,875 --> 00:20:04,624
No, keep away. I swear
I'll never touch another

366
00:20:04,625 --> 00:20:06,917
drop as long as I
live. I swear, never.

367
00:20:06,958 --> 00:20:11,958
Come back here, mrs may. Look,
see, they're real policemen.

368
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:15,167
I Grant you they may
not look it, but...

369
00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:17,124
Do you mind?

370
00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:18,708
Oh, it speaks.

371
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:20,292
Please, mrs may.

372
00:20:20,333 --> 00:20:23,792
How do you do mrs may?
My name's Potter.

373
00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:28,250
No, not one of the
Hertfordshire Potters?

374
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:31,333
Oh yes, I'm the
youngest son, Thomas.

375
00:20:31,625 --> 00:20:36,875
My dear boy, how delightful.
I came out with your mother.

376
00:20:37,083 --> 00:20:41,042
Did you? You never told me
your mum had been inside.

377
00:20:41,083 --> 00:20:43,291
Now look, if I can do
anything to help both of you

378
00:20:43,292 --> 00:20:45,333
in your career, I should
be only too delighted

379
00:20:45,875 --> 00:20:49,917
because I'm a close personal
friend of the home secretary...

380
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,707
And I... we know.

381
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:54,291
But you're also very tired.

382
00:20:54,292 --> 00:20:56,541
You'd better get a kip, madam.

383
00:20:56,542 --> 00:20:59,250
Kip? Oh, kip.

384
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:04,375
Yes, well, perhaps I will.
Goodbye, au revoir, see you later.

385
00:21:04,708 --> 00:21:07,499
Policewoman passworthy.
I say, when's

386
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,125
policewoman Harrison
next off duty?

387
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,750
Right now. She's off with
flu. I'm her replacement.

388
00:21:12,792 --> 00:21:15,667
Oh, what a shame.
Poor old Harrison.

389
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:20,291
Still, life must go on I
suppose. I hate going

390
00:21:20,292 --> 00:21:23,042
to the flicks on my own.
Would you care to...?

391
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:24,957
I am here to work.
This is my first

392
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:26,666
assignment since training school

393
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:29,792
and I intend to work
and work and work.

394
00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,583
I hope that's clear.

395
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,124
Now I suggest that you get on with

396
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:34,833
whatever you're
supposed to be doing.

397
00:21:34,875 --> 00:21:40,667
Oh, well, I am. Right now I'm
familiarising myself with the...

398
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:43,542
Prominent points around here.

399
00:21:52,167 --> 00:21:54,625
She's beautiful.

400
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:59,666
Policewoman passworthy. Beautiful.

401
00:21:59,667 --> 00:22:04,458
Nicely stacked. Passworthy,
interesting name.

402
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:09,667
Not quite my type, I'm afraid. You
know, she's too regimental, too...

403
00:22:09,708 --> 00:22:12,833
Charlie, you mean you?

404
00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,916
You've seen the old
sparkle at last? Oh

405
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,791
congratulations, I never
thought I'd see the day.

406
00:22:18,792 --> 00:22:21,541
Me neither. Oh, it's terrible.

407
00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:23,874
What? You don't understand.

408
00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:27,542
You see, I can't.

409
00:22:28,375 --> 00:22:31,875
Of course you can. There's
always the first time.

410
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:37,083
No, no, no. I can't. I've got
to be very careful with girls.

411
00:22:37,125 --> 00:22:38,666
Who hasn't?

412
00:22:38,667 --> 00:22:41,625
There you go, taking the
Mickey. I knew you would...

413
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:46,667
No, I'm not honestly, Charlie,
honestly. What's your problem?

414
00:22:46,708 --> 00:22:47,916
You won't take the Mickey?

415
00:22:47,917 --> 00:22:50,625
Those boys. Those dear boys.

416
00:22:51,708 --> 00:22:55,250
Thank you for being so real.

417
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,625
You were saying. Ssh.

418
00:22:58,667 --> 00:23:02,167
Not now. Let her sleep.

419
00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:10,125
I suppose that dog will find
its way back all right?

420
00:23:10,167 --> 00:23:12,958
Oh yes. Lady's
absolutely marvellous.

421
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Not the adjective I'd
have chosen. However.

422
00:23:17,042 --> 00:23:20,125
You know the local regular police
staff quite well I take it?

423
00:23:20,167 --> 00:23:22,750
Yes, I do. A fine body of men.

424
00:23:22,792 --> 00:23:25,333
By which you mean they're
mentally constipated I suppose?

425
00:23:25,375 --> 00:23:27,416
Why do you say that?

426
00:23:27,417 --> 00:23:30,082
Because criminology
is in its infancy and

427
00:23:30,083 --> 00:23:32,417
infantile minds are
in charge of it.

428
00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:33,499
Really? Yes, really.

429
00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:36,708
What is the true function
of a policeman on his beat?

430
00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:39,333
Erm... to catch criminals.

431
00:23:39,542 --> 00:23:41,667
No, to prevent crime.

432
00:23:41,833 --> 00:23:43,916
Easy to say.

433
00:23:43,917 --> 00:23:46,000
Easy to do if you know
how. If you study.

434
00:23:46,042 --> 00:23:48,917
Study what? Physiognomy.

435
00:23:49,250 --> 00:23:51,750
I'm not altogether with you.

436
00:23:51,792 --> 00:23:53,750
Neither were the
instructors at the school.

437
00:23:53,792 --> 00:23:55,124
There are signs you see, in the

438
00:23:55,125 --> 00:23:56,708
face. If you know
what to look for.

439
00:23:56,750 --> 00:24:01,625
I can tell at a glance if a man
is of criminal inclination.

440
00:24:01,667 --> 00:24:04,708
Good heavens, how
very useful. Useful.

441
00:24:04,750 --> 00:24:06,624
Don't you realise that
if all that stuff

442
00:24:06,625 --> 00:24:08,582
we were taught at the
school was scrapped,

443
00:24:08,583 --> 00:24:12,167
if every constable was
taught forensic physiognomy,

444
00:24:12,208 --> 00:24:13,916
it'd revolutionise
police practise.

445
00:24:13,917 --> 00:24:15,332
That's what I'm interested in.

446
00:24:15,333 --> 00:24:20,167
Not a lot of hide-bound tripe
and taking dogs for walks.

447
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:22,750
We're stuck with all
this old-fashioned muck.

448
00:24:22,792 --> 00:24:24,874
I'm most terribly sorry
officer. I do beg your

449
00:24:24,875 --> 00:24:26,708
pardon. I was thinking
of something else.

450
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,458
Yes, that's quite all right, sir.

451
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:32,125
Go on, then, do it on him.

452
00:24:32,167 --> 00:24:33,500
What ever do you mean?

453
00:24:33,542 --> 00:24:35,749
You know.
Physi-what-you-ma-call-it.

454
00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:36,916
Do it on that man.

455
00:24:36,917 --> 00:24:40,583
On him? He's as honest
as the day is long.

456
00:24:40,625 --> 00:24:43,000
I say. Can you really tell
that quickly as that?

457
00:24:43,042 --> 00:24:45,791
Yes, at a glance.
Of course, one has

458
00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:48,625
to study. It means
years of research.

459
00:24:48,667 --> 00:24:52,875
But then as I say, the signs
always show in a criminal's face.

460
00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:55,792
Turned rather chilly all
of a sudden, hasn't it?

461
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:57,875
Do you think you've got flu?

462
00:24:58,250 --> 00:25:00,875
That man. He pinched my braces.

463
00:25:20,875 --> 00:25:25,833
Morning, Bobby. Ready for
brekkers? Uncle's coming.

464
00:25:25,875 --> 00:25:27,917
Ow.

465
00:25:28,917 --> 00:25:31,625
Naughty rude, quiet...
Naughty rude Bobby.

466
00:25:31,667 --> 00:25:34,624
Laughing because
poor uncle Timothy

467
00:25:34,625 --> 00:25:37,500
hurt his footy. You're a bad bird.

468
00:25:44,958 --> 00:25:47,625
Wa key, wa key.

469
00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:01,250
Rise and shine.

470
00:26:19,542 --> 00:26:20,750
Up and out.

471
00:26:20,792 --> 00:26:22,625
Must you make that flaming row?

472
00:26:22,667 --> 00:26:24,833
Restrain yourself.

473
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:29,958
I know someone who didn't get out
of the right side of their bed.

474
00:26:35,750 --> 00:26:39,042
All ready, then?
Come on, turn it on.

475
00:26:41,792 --> 00:26:44,499
Oh, I'm frightfully
sorry, I remember now.

476
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,958
It only comes on hot
at certain times.

477
00:26:47,042 --> 00:26:48,208
You maniac.

478
00:26:48,250 --> 00:26:51,083
We'll all catch... flu.

479
00:26:51,292 --> 00:26:53,958
Let's get out of here.

480
00:26:59,167 --> 00:27:01,250
Gentlemen, really.

481
00:27:10,708 --> 00:27:13,916
Disgraceful. One of
the Hertfordshire

482
00:27:13,917 --> 00:27:16,917
Potters. It's utterly disgraceful.

483
00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:21,667
Well you did ask for a cell
with a southern exposure.

484
00:27:28,042 --> 00:27:30,832
No time like the present, Charlie.

485
00:27:30,833 --> 00:27:33,875
Go to it. Remember,
delay is fatal.

486
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:51,917
Hello there.

487
00:27:51,958 --> 00:27:54,917
Good morning, constable constable.

488
00:27:54,958 --> 00:27:57,833
My name's Charlie.
Charles, actually

489
00:27:57,875 --> 00:28:01,207
it's against regulations for
us to be as familiar as that.

490
00:28:01,208 --> 00:28:04,083
Didn't you learn anything
at your training school?

491
00:28:04,125 --> 00:28:06,916
Yes, I did policewoman
passworthy. I

492
00:28:06,917 --> 00:28:09,958
learned what constitutes
an obstruction,

493
00:28:10,042 --> 00:28:13,166
parking regulations,
rules of evidence.

494
00:28:13,167 --> 00:28:15,875
I came out top with me truncheon.

495
00:28:15,917 --> 00:28:20,417
Well that's a great comfort
to us all, I'm sure.

496
00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:23,167
Please, policewoman passworthy,
what's your birthday?

497
00:28:23,208 --> 00:28:25,166
My what? Your birthday. I
must know. It's vital to me.

498
00:28:25,167 --> 00:28:26,684
You see I can't take a
single step until...

499
00:28:26,708 --> 00:28:29,500
You take a few steps over to
inspection and don't be so silly.

500
00:28:29,542 --> 00:28:30,957
No, please, tell me.
You don't understand,

501
00:28:30,958 --> 00:28:32,041
I can't do a thing before I...

502
00:28:32,042 --> 00:28:34,625
Here comes the sergeant. Go away.

503
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:40,333
Oh, dear.

504
00:28:40,542 --> 00:28:41,708
Good morning, sergeant.

505
00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:42,791
Good morning.

506
00:28:42,792 --> 00:28:44,851
I notice sergeant that I'm
not down for a patrol today.

507
00:28:44,875 --> 00:28:46,917
I'm glad to know you're
so keen, passworthy,

508
00:28:46,958 --> 00:28:50,083
but you really must have a better
knowledge of the district, first.

509
00:28:50,125 --> 00:28:52,125
Pick up a map and study it.

510
00:28:52,167 --> 00:28:54,625
Yes, sergeant.

511
00:29:04,083 --> 00:29:05,457
Any luck?

512
00:29:05,458 --> 00:29:07,957
I should never have tried. My tea

513
00:29:07,958 --> 00:29:10,917
leaves at breakfast
were all clotted.

514
00:29:11,125 --> 00:29:13,375
You better call in at mrs
bottomley at number 24.

515
00:29:13,417 --> 00:29:14,749
She's complaining about suspicious

516
00:29:14,750 --> 00:29:16,374
activities in the
rear of her premises.

517
00:29:16,375 --> 00:29:18,125
Yes, sergeant.

518
00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:21,624
- You're late, constable.
- Yes sergeant.

519
00:29:21,625 --> 00:29:22,666
Why?

520
00:29:22,667 --> 00:29:24,250
We had a bit of trouble
with the shower.

521
00:29:24,292 --> 00:29:25,582
Looks like I'm going
to have a bit of

522
00:29:25,583 --> 00:29:26,957
trouble with the shower
too, doesn't it?

523
00:29:26,958 --> 00:29:28,708
Oh, priceless innuendo. How witty.

524
00:29:28,750 --> 00:29:31,542
Quiet, gorse. No more talking now.

525
00:29:34,500 --> 00:29:38,875
All present and correct,
sir. Show your appointments.

526
00:29:43,458 --> 00:29:44,958
Excuse me, sir.

527
00:29:45,042 --> 00:29:46,542
Constable Benson, sir.

528
00:29:46,583 --> 00:29:47,958
Well what is it?

529
00:29:48,042 --> 00:29:51,042
In the absence of the station
dog handler yesterday sir,

530
00:29:51,083 --> 00:29:53,167
I took the animal,
"lady" walking, sir.

531
00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:55,541
What, on a job? Routine, sir.

532
00:29:55,542 --> 00:29:57,792
Oh, just for a walkies.
What about it?

533
00:29:58,125 --> 00:30:00,957
I wish to protest at being
sent out with a brute that far

534
00:30:00,958 --> 00:30:05,292
seems to me, barely advanced
from the wolf pack.

535
00:30:07,250 --> 00:30:09,708
Sergeant, don't send him
out again with lady.

536
00:30:09,750 --> 00:30:11,958
No, sir. Thank you, sir.

537
00:30:12,042 --> 00:30:14,083
- Can't have lady upset.
- No, sir.

538
00:30:16,625 --> 00:30:18,792
Why is your uniform Tor, gorse?

539
00:30:18,833 --> 00:30:20,875
I fell down a flight
of stairs, sir.

540
00:30:20,917 --> 00:30:22,167
How? Quick.

541
00:30:22,208 --> 00:30:25,833
Yes indeed sir, very
quick. I was on a scooter.

542
00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:29,625
On a scooter? Why wasn't
I told about this?

543
00:30:29,667 --> 00:30:32,957
The facts, gorse. I was
proceeding easterly direction...

544
00:30:32,958 --> 00:30:34,916
And that insane canine misfit was

545
00:30:34,917 --> 00:30:37,125
proceeding in a
westerly direction.

546
00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:39,083
Quiet, Benson. Quiet, Wilkins.

547
00:30:39,125 --> 00:30:40,541
You were there?

548
00:30:40,542 --> 00:30:43,042
Was I not. We were both
nearly killed weren't we.

549
00:30:43,083 --> 00:30:45,667
It's all the fault of
that stupid bitch.

550
00:30:45,708 --> 00:30:47,018
What there was a third
party involved?

551
00:30:47,042 --> 00:30:48,458
No, no, sir. Lady.

552
00:30:48,500 --> 00:30:49,874
Lady?

553
00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:53,417
The dog, sir. She's a
bitch, isn't she sir.

554
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:55,166
Lady dog's a bitch. Well
I know that, don't I.

555
00:30:55,167 --> 00:30:56,792
- Yes, sir.
- Good gracious.

556
00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:59,750
We're all nattering here
like a lot old women.

557
00:30:59,792 --> 00:31:01,416
Let's have some
discipline in this place.

558
00:31:01,417 --> 00:31:02,458
Yes, sir.

559
00:31:03,458 --> 00:31:04,583
How do you do, sir?

560
00:31:04,625 --> 00:31:05,708
How do you...?

561
00:31:05,750 --> 00:31:07,417
Constable Potter, sir.

562
00:31:07,458 --> 00:31:09,167
I've seen you before
somewhere, haven't I.

563
00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:12,792
I don't think so, sir. I
couldn't forget your face.

564
00:31:12,958 --> 00:31:17,333
What do you mean? Well I mean, you
have such an arresting face, sir.

565
00:31:17,583 --> 00:31:22,042
Oh, very swift, an arresting
face. You merry quipper, you.

566
00:31:22,083 --> 00:31:23,417
Gorse.

567
00:31:24,708 --> 00:31:26,833
Where have I seen you before?

568
00:31:26,875 --> 00:31:31,250
Perhaps you met him in a
previous existence, sir.

569
00:31:33,042 --> 00:31:34,667
Who's this lot?

570
00:31:34,708 --> 00:31:35,833
Constable, sir.

571
00:31:35,875 --> 00:31:36,957
Constable who?

572
00:31:36,958 --> 00:31:38,958
Constable, sir.

573
00:31:39,042 --> 00:31:41,250
I know, I said constable who?

574
00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:43,500
Constable constable, sir.

575
00:31:44,917 --> 00:31:46,125
That's unusual, isn't it?

576
00:31:46,167 --> 00:31:49,167
Yes ', sii' ' ', isn't it?

577
00:31:49,208 --> 00:31:52,083
Explain yourself
constable constable.

578
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,875
Reincarnation, sir.

579
00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:58,999
Reincarnation, sir.
It accounts for

580
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,667
some of our more
uncanny experiences.

581
00:32:01,708 --> 00:32:03,250
- Get away.
- Yes.

582
00:32:03,292 --> 00:32:05,541
If you cooperate with me, sir,

583
00:32:05,542 --> 00:32:07,874
I think could uncover
where it was that you

584
00:32:07,875 --> 00:32:09,958
and Potter met in a
previous life, sir.

585
00:32:10,417 --> 00:32:11,500
Utter nonsense.

586
00:32:11,542 --> 00:32:13,875
No sir, please. Close
your eyes and relax.

587
00:32:14,417 --> 00:32:15,958
Certainly not.

588
00:32:16,750 --> 00:32:19,666
Please, sir. Yes. They're very

589
00:32:19,667 --> 00:32:23,375
strong, your heredity
thought waves.

590
00:32:28,292 --> 00:32:34,500
I can see a pond. A beautiful,
artificial pond in a garden, sir.

591
00:32:34,542 --> 00:32:35,750
Any fish?

592
00:32:35,792 --> 00:32:38,167
The fountains are playing.

593
00:32:38,208 --> 00:32:39,583
I said any fish?

594
00:32:39,625 --> 00:32:41,625
No, no fish.

595
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:46,833
Wait a minute. Yes. I can see you
and Potter. You're in the garden.

596
00:32:47,083 --> 00:32:52,042
You're centurions together, sir.
2,000 years ago in ancient Rome.

597
00:32:54,208 --> 00:32:58,500
Wait a minute. I can see
the vestal virgins.

598
00:33:01,417 --> 00:33:03,792
Ah, they've gone indoors.

599
00:33:04,042 --> 00:33:07,750
I've never heard such
poppycock in all me life.

600
00:33:08,042 --> 00:33:11,000
Please, sir, don't make
another heredity wave.

601
00:33:11,042 --> 00:33:15,333
Please. Let's try it again, we're
very near. Shut your eyes, sir...

602
00:33:15,375 --> 00:33:17,707
You shut your trap. I've
had enough of this. And

603
00:33:17,708 --> 00:33:19,792
I remember where I've
seen you before, too.

604
00:33:19,958 --> 00:33:22,917
You're a society
playboy, lothario.

605
00:33:22,958 --> 00:33:27,708
One of the siphon-squirters and
waiter-debaggers of this world.

606
00:33:27,750 --> 00:33:29,667
Happy days, sir?

607
00:33:29,708 --> 00:33:33,250
Happy days. You lot won't
know what's hit you soon.

608
00:33:33,375 --> 00:33:35,500
Horrible, disgusting.

609
00:33:36,167 --> 00:33:39,542
I don't want trouble, you
can't afford trouble, right?

610
00:33:39,583 --> 00:33:41,583
Right, sir.

611
00:33:44,458 --> 00:33:46,708
Right.

612
00:33:47,792 --> 00:33:49,875
You four, do you know your routes?

613
00:33:49,917 --> 00:33:53,417
Yes, sergeant. Well, concentrate
on them, and on nothing else.

614
00:33:53,458 --> 00:33:58,375
This is a police patrol, not a
protest march against crufts,

615
00:33:58,417 --> 00:34:00,875
a scooter demonstration,

616
00:34:00,917 --> 00:34:03,125
boat-race night,

617
00:34:03,167 --> 00:34:05,833
or a reincarnation seance.

618
00:34:06,458 --> 00:34:09,333
It's just a routine police patrol.

619
00:34:09,583 --> 00:34:11,667
Yes, sergeant.

620
00:34:13,125 --> 00:34:18,583
Just stay here, you lot, and
remember, you're still on parade.

621
00:34:22,417 --> 00:34:24,083
Well, why don't you
ask me how it went.

622
00:34:24,125 --> 00:34:25,208
All right, how did it go?

623
00:34:27,292 --> 00:34:28,791
Do me a favour, tell
thurston to meet

624
00:34:28,792 --> 00:34:30,249
me at the last patrol
point in a car.

625
00:34:30,250 --> 00:34:34,958
Anything to help. And my voices
tell me you do need help.

626
00:35:03,375 --> 00:35:05,417
Potty-poos.

627
00:35:07,833 --> 00:35:11,458
Potty-poos. Potty-darling.

628
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,208
Honoria, old thing.

629
00:35:14,458 --> 00:35:17,041
Haven't seen you since
fruity fotheringill's

630
00:35:17,042 --> 00:35:19,667
pyjama party. I say,
what are you doing here?

631
00:35:19,875 --> 00:35:22,625
What is this, a rag?

632
00:35:22,875 --> 00:35:24,958
Oh, rather not, I'm in the force.

633
00:35:25,042 --> 00:35:27,042
Potter the copper. What fun.

634
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:28,791
I'd like you to meet my new chums.

635
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:34,750
Timothy gorse, Charlie, Stanley
Benson, sergeant Wilkins.

636
00:35:34,792 --> 00:35:39,417
Sweet, just sweet, all of
you. Especially wilky-poos.

637
00:35:41,250 --> 00:35:42,708
I'm terribly sorry, sergeant, I...

638
00:35:42,750 --> 00:35:46,208
Have I done something
madly illegal?

639
00:35:46,458 --> 00:35:49,166
Oh, no miss, you're just
obstructing the police

640
00:35:49,167 --> 00:35:51,625
in the execution of
their duty, that's all.

641
00:35:51,667 --> 00:35:53,167
It's my fault, sergeant.

642
00:35:53,208 --> 00:35:57,583
Oh, don't blame dear
potty-poodles. I'm terribly sorry.

643
00:35:57,875 --> 00:36:02,417
You will forgive me, won't
you? Everybody does, you know.

644
00:36:02,458 --> 00:36:05,167
Bye-bye, potty-poodles.

645
00:36:08,375 --> 00:36:11,167
It's entirely my fault,
sergeant. I shouldn't...

646
00:36:11,208 --> 00:36:13,958
Back to work, potty-poos.

647
00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:36,417
Gorse, you still there?

648
00:36:37,708 --> 00:36:40,583
Why? Your beat starts here.

649
00:36:42,458 --> 00:36:45,958
Does it? Oh, so it
does. Thank you.

650
00:36:56,333 --> 00:37:00,417
I know, I know, this
is where I get off.

651
00:37:07,667 --> 00:37:10,167
Good morning, madam,
can I help you at all?

652
00:37:10,208 --> 00:37:14,958
Well, I certainly need a
copper and that's a fact.

653
00:37:17,125 --> 00:37:18,374
You're my first customer this

654
00:37:18,375 --> 00:37:19,958
morning, madam. Have
this one on me.

655
00:37:20,042 --> 00:37:22,125
Oh, ta.

656
00:38:11,458 --> 00:38:16,292
By jove. A simian amorist
with paralysed conscience.

657
00:38:30,875 --> 00:38:32,875
Don't do it, my friend.

658
00:38:32,917 --> 00:38:35,458
Don't do what? You know what.

659
00:38:35,500 --> 00:38:37,042
I don't know what.

660
00:38:37,083 --> 00:38:39,832
Pause, consider. If you can resist

661
00:38:39,833 --> 00:38:42,833
the temptation to
steal that car...

662
00:38:42,875 --> 00:38:44,832
It'll be easier for
you to overcome

663
00:38:44,833 --> 00:38:46,666
the urge to Rob that post office.

664
00:38:46,667 --> 00:38:48,583
You'll need skilled
help of course.

665
00:38:48,625 --> 00:38:50,166
To do the robbery?

666
00:38:50,167 --> 00:38:53,083
No, to recover from your sickness.

667
00:38:53,125 --> 00:38:54,250
You think I'm ill?

668
00:38:54,292 --> 00:38:56,833
I know you are. Desperately
ill. Crime is an illness.

669
00:38:56,875 --> 00:38:59,250
Its symptoms show in the face.

670
00:38:59,292 --> 00:39:02,749
What you need is understanding
help to recover from it.

671
00:39:02,750 --> 00:39:06,417
Come to me. Anytime. Even when the
temptation seems overwhelming.

672
00:39:06,458 --> 00:39:11,208
Ask for me at the station. My
name's Benson, constable Benson.

673
00:39:11,250 --> 00:39:12,333
My name's liddell.

674
00:39:12,375 --> 00:39:13,417
Liddell.

675
00:39:13,458 --> 00:39:15,917
Detective sergeant liddell. Cid.

676
00:39:16,208 --> 00:39:19,541
Not a very good start
to your reform.

677
00:39:19,542 --> 00:39:22,957
No fantasies now. You know as
well as I do, no police officer

678
00:39:22,958 --> 00:39:25,625
would behave so suspiciously,
coming out of the post office.

679
00:39:25,708 --> 00:39:27,457
Oh, he might you know,
if he'd just drawn a few

680
00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:29,059
pounds to buy his wife
a surprise present.

681
00:39:29,083 --> 00:39:30,957
And he didn't want to bump
in to her, knowing full

682
00:39:30,958 --> 00:39:32,749
well she was in the area
shopping at the time.

683
00:39:32,750 --> 00:39:35,917
Huh, ingenious. You're a card.

684
00:39:36,792 --> 00:39:39,292
I'm not, but... this is.

685
00:39:43,375 --> 00:39:47,624
Oh clear. But you looked such
a standard criminal type.

686
00:39:47,625 --> 00:39:49,957
Oh, don't be misled
by appearances. I'm

687
00:39:49,958 --> 00:39:52,292
not. After all, you
look quite sensible.

688
00:39:52,333 --> 00:39:54,417
Thank you.

689
00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:56,458
Charming.

690
00:40:41,167 --> 00:40:42,542
What's up, sergeant?

691
00:40:42,583 --> 00:40:44,792
Thurston, what would you
do if you wanted to make

692
00:40:44,833 --> 00:40:47,208
sure that patrol was keeping
an eye on the district?

693
00:40:47,250 --> 00:40:48,332
I'd keep an eye on that patrol.

694
00:40:48,333 --> 00:40:50,375
Get cracking.

695
00:41:03,708 --> 00:41:07,708
Help. Stop. Look
out, he's got a gun.

696
00:41:07,750 --> 00:41:10,083
- Stand back, Ursula.
- Help.

697
00:41:10,292 --> 00:41:12,792
- Ursula, stand back.
- Help.

698
00:41:12,833 --> 00:41:15,083
Thir... thirteen.

699
00:41:17,417 --> 00:41:19,667
Help. Stop.

700
00:41:19,708 --> 00:41:22,208
You vicious swine.

701
00:41:22,250 --> 00:41:24,333
He's insane alistair.
Don't hurt him, I...

702
00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,125
Follow me.

703
00:41:46,917 --> 00:41:49,375
Oh, you fool.

704
00:41:55,042 --> 00:41:57,958
Alistair, you've killed him.

705
00:42:15,042 --> 00:42:17,583
Here, what do you
think you're doing?

706
00:42:17,625 --> 00:42:20,083
Well I heard a... I
thought I heard...

707
00:42:20,292 --> 00:42:22,333
What's going on here?

708
00:42:23,708 --> 00:42:25,292
I thought I heard a
murder, sergeant.

709
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:27,417
It was only the radio.

710
00:42:27,458 --> 00:42:31,333
That excerpt was from tonight's
play in the home service.

711
00:42:31,583 --> 00:42:34,166
Do you want to make
a complaint, miss?

712
00:42:34,167 --> 00:42:36,625
No, he was only doing what
he thought was right.

713
00:42:36,667 --> 00:42:38,708
Thank you very much, miss.

714
00:42:38,917 --> 00:42:40,000
Does it hurt?

715
00:42:40,042 --> 00:42:42,500
Not at all, sergeant.

716
00:42:42,708 --> 00:42:44,500
Get back on the beat.

717
00:42:44,542 --> 00:42:47,500
Yes, sir. Thank you
very much, miss.

718
00:42:47,542 --> 00:42:48,917
Thank you, sergeant.

719
00:42:51,583 --> 00:42:53,875
Thank you, miss.

720
00:43:11,667 --> 00:43:13,625
Want to cross the road, ma?

721
00:43:13,667 --> 00:43:15,832
Very heavy load, yes.

722
00:43:15,833 --> 00:43:17,957
I see. Well, never mind.

723
00:43:19,042 --> 00:43:20,292
Wait.

724
00:43:20,333 --> 00:43:22,666
That's all right mother.
You're all right with me.

725
00:43:22,667 --> 00:43:24,958
What do you want with me
key? I ain't done nothing.

726
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:27,082
Now.

727
00:43:27,083 --> 00:43:28,542
What you doing?

728
00:43:28,583 --> 00:43:31,375
All right, all right, don't
worry, all in a day's work.

729
00:43:31,583 --> 00:43:33,833
There we are. That's
all right isn't it.

730
00:43:33,875 --> 00:43:35,541
You half-baked twit, you.

731
00:43:35,542 --> 00:43:37,542
Madame, please, I'm trying...

732
00:43:40,417 --> 00:43:42,624
I was trying to help you.

733
00:43:42,625 --> 00:43:44,458
Madame, I'm trying to help you.

734
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,875
Help. What's going on here?

735
00:43:46,917 --> 00:43:49,791
Speak up, speak up, me
battery's running out.

736
00:43:49,792 --> 00:43:51,958
Not a second before time,
the ungrateful virago

737
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,125
what happened, madam?

738
00:43:54,167 --> 00:43:56,999
He forced me to
over here, when I'd

739
00:43:57,000 --> 00:44:00,167
taken ten minutes to
get to over there.

740
00:44:00,208 --> 00:44:02,541
All of a sudden, he
grabbed me behind and...

741
00:44:02,542 --> 00:44:04,583
Ooh, I did not.

742
00:44:04,792 --> 00:44:06,667
You lying old witch.

743
00:44:06,917 --> 00:44:09,250
Can't hear ya'. Don't interrupt.

744
00:44:09,417 --> 00:44:11,958
That's enough of that. Do you
want to make a complaint?

745
00:44:12,042 --> 00:44:14,832
What do you mean it
ain't? I tell you, it's

746
00:44:14,833 --> 00:44:17,749
the gospel truth. He
grabbed me behind as...

747
00:44:17,750 --> 00:44:20,666
Sergeant, I assure you I did not.

748
00:44:20,667 --> 00:44:22,416
Benson, I don't care where
you grabbed her. The

749
00:44:22,417 --> 00:44:24,268
point is, she didn't want
to be grabbed anywhere.

750
00:44:24,292 --> 00:44:27,249
Now get those crumbs off, and
get back on your patrol.

751
00:44:27,250 --> 00:44:28,832
- Yes, sergeant.
- And remember in future...

752
00:44:28,833 --> 00:44:30,457
Helping old ladies
across the street

753
00:44:30,458 --> 00:44:31,875
should be left to the boy scouts.

754
00:44:31,917 --> 00:44:35,417
Kindly don't sneer at that fine
organisation. I was a rover.

755
00:44:35,458 --> 00:44:36,917
Well rove.

756
00:44:36,958 --> 00:44:41,791
Police station. Calmly and
clearly, madam, please.

757
00:44:41,792 --> 00:44:45,708
Miss horton. Yes,
you're speaking from?

758
00:44:45,750 --> 00:44:49,667
33. Three, three, Nathaniel road.

759
00:44:50,750 --> 00:44:55,541
Intruder next door.
Do you mean 31 or 35?

760
00:44:55,542 --> 00:44:57,583
Three, five.

761
00:44:57,792 --> 00:45:01,542
Telephone number? 4573.

762
00:45:01,583 --> 00:45:04,417
Thank you madam, we'll
send a car immedi... what?

763
00:45:04,667 --> 00:45:08,292
I said that's all right, I've
just seen a policeman outside.

764
00:45:08,542 --> 00:45:10,958
Sergeant.

765
00:45:12,833 --> 00:45:15,292
Nathaniel road.

766
00:45:17,083 --> 00:45:20,500
Calling car four,
calling car four.

767
00:45:20,542 --> 00:45:23,332
Constable Potter
investigating report

768
00:45:23,333 --> 00:45:25,667
of intruder. 35 Nathaniel road.

769
00:45:25,708 --> 00:45:28,583
Over to Nathaniel road, thanks.
Right, thurston, move.

770
00:45:28,875 --> 00:45:31,999
Psst. Mr and mrs
Barry, 35. They're in

771
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:35,083
Canada seeing their
first grandchild.

772
00:45:35,125 --> 00:45:36,416
Their daughter Sally, she's in

773
00:45:36,417 --> 00:45:38,166
cornwall visiting her
fiancé's family.

774
00:45:38,167 --> 00:45:39,957
The house should
be empty, but just

775
00:45:39,958 --> 00:45:41,833
now, I heard somebody
moving about.

776
00:45:41,875 --> 00:45:43,500
I see, thanks.

777
00:45:43,542 --> 00:45:44,583
Well, go in and get him.

778
00:45:44,625 --> 00:45:45,957
I'd sooner wait till he comes out.

779
00:45:45,958 --> 00:45:47,874
Better still. Catch
him in the act. The

780
00:45:47,875 --> 00:45:49,833
Barrys left them with
me. Fortunate, ay.

781
00:45:49,875 --> 00:45:52,583
Back way, over the garden fence.

782
00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:53,666
Well, supposing he's armed?

783
00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:58,583
Well, if I hear a shot, I'll
ring the station. Ten-four.

784
00:47:52,667 --> 00:47:54,166
What's happened? Nothing.

785
00:47:54,167 --> 00:47:56,917
It's Eric. An accident.

786
00:48:02,250 --> 00:48:06,083
Hello, I'm a police... officer.

787
00:48:11,083 --> 00:48:13,832
Come on thurston, faster.
Potter may be struggling

788
00:48:13,833 --> 00:48:16,167
for his life with some
murderous tearaway.

789
00:48:16,875 --> 00:48:19,124
If only Eric was as
considerate as you

790
00:48:19,125 --> 00:48:21,083
are, constable. What's your name?

791
00:48:21,125 --> 00:48:23,917
Just call me Tom.
Tell me all about it.

792
00:48:24,167 --> 00:48:27,541
Well, last night Eric and I
were talking about furniture.

793
00:48:27,542 --> 00:48:29,958
I want contemporary
things and he doesn't

794
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,416
we had a terrible row.
He said he wasn't

795
00:48:32,417 --> 00:48:34,625
going to have chairs
like toadstools.

796
00:48:34,875 --> 00:48:36,416
So I said if he's
going to exaggerate,

797
00:48:36,417 --> 00:48:37,916
there wasn't much
point in talking.

798
00:48:37,917 --> 00:48:40,458
So he said perhaps we aught never
to talk to each other again.

799
00:48:40,500 --> 00:48:43,166
Whereupon I said that
suits me fine, threw his

800
00:48:43,167 --> 00:48:46,083
ring back and got here at
3.00 this morning and...

801
00:48:46,125 --> 00:48:48,917
Oh, Tom, we haven't
even got a flat.

802
00:48:49,167 --> 00:48:52,166
Oh, is that all. It's just
a little lovers' tiff.

803
00:48:52,167 --> 00:48:57,417
Tiff? It's finished. I'm never
going to see him again.

804
00:48:58,833 --> 00:49:01,582
Of course you will.
There, there, there,

805
00:49:01,583 --> 00:49:04,249
there. Now, listen,
it's quite simple.

806
00:49:04,250 --> 00:49:06,666
You and Eric are both tense about

807
00:49:06,667 --> 00:49:09,666
getting married, you
can't wait for it.

808
00:49:09,667 --> 00:49:11,250
What do you mean?

809
00:49:11,292 --> 00:49:15,875
Well, I... er... you know.

810
00:49:16,625 --> 00:49:21,958
Don't you see? At present,
you're both a bundle of nerves.

811
00:49:22,042 --> 00:49:25,250
Naturally you're going to fly off
the handle at the slightest thing.

812
00:49:25,292 --> 00:49:28,417
But believe me, once
you're married.

813
00:49:28,458 --> 00:49:31,833
We'll not be married now.
It's all spoiled. Finished.

814
00:49:32,083 --> 00:49:38,375
Of course it isn't. You phone him,
say you're sorry. Cry a little.

815
00:49:38,417 --> 00:49:40,416
Now, wait.

816
00:49:40,417 --> 00:49:43,542
Trust your uncle Tom.

817
00:49:43,583 --> 00:49:46,583
He'll come running, you'll see.

818
00:49:46,625 --> 00:49:51,792
Oh, just imagine that moment,
Sally. The bliss of the reunion.

819
00:49:54,417 --> 00:49:59,249
How can any man resist your
lovely innocent eyes, your...

820
00:49:59,250 --> 00:50:04,417
Your yearning look. A
man's heart must melt.

821
00:50:04,667 --> 00:50:06,750
Come on. That boy's in danger.

822
00:50:07,042 --> 00:50:09,042
Sally.

823
00:50:09,083 --> 00:50:11,083
- Oh, Tom.
- Potter.

824
00:50:11,792 --> 00:50:15,333
Oh, hello, sergeant. How
nice of you to drop in.

825
00:50:15,375 --> 00:50:19,000
I don't need help with
this little case you know.

826
00:50:19,083 --> 00:50:21,750
Run along and phone now, Sally.

827
00:50:25,792 --> 00:50:29,166
Well, better get back on
the old beat, I s'pose.

828
00:50:29,167 --> 00:50:31,417
Put it on.

829
00:50:34,750 --> 00:50:38,125
Help. Help. Oh, help.

830
00:50:38,167 --> 00:50:40,666
I say constable, I know
you'll think I'm an

831
00:50:40,667 --> 00:50:43,208
awfully silly girl, but
I've lost my pussy.

832
00:50:43,250 --> 00:50:44,583
The name's fluff

833
00:50:44,625 --> 00:50:46,416
oh, I'm sorry, miss fluff.

834
00:50:46,417 --> 00:50:48,667
That's the cat's name.

835
00:50:48,708 --> 00:50:53,208
The cat's name? So
sorry, silly me.

836
00:50:53,250 --> 00:50:54,833
When did you last see fluff?

837
00:50:54,917 --> 00:50:57,416
Oh, only a moment ago, I was
bringing him back from the vet.

838
00:50:57,417 --> 00:51:01,458
The catch on the basket must have
been loose and he jumped out.

839
00:51:02,500 --> 00:51:04,792
In here, up there.

840
00:51:04,833 --> 00:51:08,167
I see, madam. Just leave
everything to me.

841
00:51:08,208 --> 00:51:10,457
I just couldn't get up there, in

842
00:51:10,458 --> 00:51:13,083
this skirt. Oh look,
do be careful.

843
00:51:13,125 --> 00:51:15,917
Don't be alarmed, madam.

844
00:51:15,958 --> 00:51:20,749
Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff,
where's the naughty pussycat?

845
00:51:20,750 --> 00:51:22,958
Fluff? Ah, there you are.

846
00:51:23,667 --> 00:51:27,499
Oh, naughty ill-mannered
pussy. Not to spit at

847
00:51:27,500 --> 00:51:31,249
uncle Timothy. Now don't
go away. Stay there.

848
00:51:31,250 --> 00:51:33,625
Fluff, don't go up
there come down.

849
00:51:33,667 --> 00:51:36,291
Fluff. Fluff. Come
down. Fluff. Oh, you

850
00:51:36,292 --> 00:51:38,958
naughty pussy. Where
are you now? Fluff.

851
00:51:39,500 --> 00:51:44,167
Fluff, fluff, fluff.
Ah, there you are.

852
00:51:44,708 --> 00:51:46,416
Now, how am I going
to get you down?

853
00:51:46,417 --> 00:51:49,667
I know this'll frighten you. Now.

854
00:51:54,417 --> 00:51:57,667
Help. Help. Help. Help.

855
00:52:00,167 --> 00:52:02,583
There's a good fluff.

856
00:52:02,833 --> 00:52:04,833
Help. Help.

857
00:52:04,875 --> 00:52:07,625
Oh, my goodness.

858
00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:09,833
Help.

859
00:52:11,333 --> 00:52:14,667
Stop, stop. Oh, stop. Stop, stop.

860
00:52:18,542 --> 00:52:20,292
What is it, madam?

861
00:52:20,333 --> 00:52:24,917
A policeman. I think he just
shot to the top of the tower.

862
00:52:24,958 --> 00:52:26,333
Was he wearing glasses?

863
00:52:26,375 --> 00:52:29,125
- Yes.
- Thank you madam. Here we go.

864
00:52:29,167 --> 00:52:31,208
Help.

865
00:52:37,417 --> 00:52:42,125
Call these reports? I've never
seen anything like 'em in me life.

866
00:52:42,417 --> 00:52:45,832
Look at this one. I
thought I heard a murder.

867
00:52:45,833 --> 00:52:48,667
Heard a murder, I ask you.
You ever smelt a burglary?

868
00:52:48,708 --> 00:52:52,625
Yes, sir I have, when a
scent store got broke into.

869
00:52:52,667 --> 00:52:54,000
Yes, all right, all right.

870
00:52:54,042 --> 00:52:56,500
You could smell it up the street.

871
00:52:56,750 --> 00:52:59,958
She looked as if she was
thinking of crossing the road.

872
00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,333
How do you know what
anyone's thinking?

873
00:53:02,583 --> 00:53:06,333
Might have been thinking of buying
a pair of thicker knickers.

874
00:53:06,583 --> 00:53:09,917
I pulled the rope and flew
into the air, like Peter Pan.

875
00:53:09,958 --> 00:53:12,542
You mean Peter Pan's
great aunt, don't you?

876
00:53:12,750 --> 00:53:14,832
The young lady was in the bath.

877
00:53:14,833 --> 00:53:16,518
You were looking through
the keyhole, I suppose?

878
00:53:16,542 --> 00:53:19,125
Oh no sir, the door wasn't locked.

879
00:53:19,375 --> 00:53:21,351
Well what have you got to say
for yourselves, anything?

880
00:53:21,375 --> 00:53:24,042
Yes sir, I want a transfer.

881
00:53:24,250 --> 00:53:27,292
Do you really. To
Scotland yard, I presume?

882
00:53:27,583 --> 00:53:30,416
Yes, I joined the force
to prevent crime,

883
00:53:30,417 --> 00:53:33,333
not to be assaulted by
demented old women.

884
00:53:33,375 --> 00:53:35,125
My speciality is
forensic physiognomy,

885
00:53:35,167 --> 00:53:37,416
and I feel my proper place
is in the photographic

886
00:53:37,417 --> 00:53:39,083
records department
of Scotland yard.

887
00:53:39,125 --> 00:53:41,542
Not now, Benson. Use your loaf.

888
00:53:41,583 --> 00:53:43,958
Please, don't mention
loaves to me.

889
00:53:44,208 --> 00:53:45,333
Benson, please.

890
00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:47,082
It's all very well for
you, mate. Let me

891
00:53:47,083 --> 00:53:48,667
tell you something.
I was boshed o...

892
00:53:48,875 --> 00:53:51,708
Might I be permitted to say
a word at this juncture?

893
00:53:51,917 --> 00:53:54,083
Of course, sir.

894
00:53:54,375 --> 00:53:56,041
When I was a young
constable, we were

895
00:53:56,042 --> 00:53:57,750
fined for being one
minute late. Right?

896
00:53:57,792 --> 00:53:59,125
Right sir.

897
00:53:59,167 --> 00:54:00,499
We weren't allowed
to go to our own

898
00:54:00,500 --> 00:54:02,018
front doors in our
shirtsleeves. Right?

899
00:54:02,042 --> 00:54:03,625
Right sir.

900
00:54:03,667 --> 00:54:06,042
Seems immaterial to me, how
you answer the front door,

901
00:54:06,083 --> 00:54:08,208
as long as you're capable
of doing your job properly.

902
00:54:08,250 --> 00:54:09,291
Benson.

903
00:54:09,292 --> 00:54:11,292
I'll handle this
thank you, Wilkins.

904
00:54:11,333 --> 00:54:13,291
I've been watching you
and listening to you

905
00:54:13,292 --> 00:54:15,375
very carefully, Benson,
and you have a future.

906
00:54:16,167 --> 00:54:18,208
Thank you, sir.

907
00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:20,500
Selling lace table mats.

908
00:54:22,375 --> 00:54:24,917
But regarding your ability
as a policeman...

909
00:54:24,958 --> 00:54:26,457
I personally wouldn't
send you down

910
00:54:26,458 --> 00:54:27,957
to the corner of
the street for me,

911
00:54:27,958 --> 00:54:29,333
to buy a bag of aniseed balls.

912
00:54:29,917 --> 00:54:33,625
You stupid constable.
Do I make myself clear?

913
00:54:33,917 --> 00:54:35,582
Crystal. Pardon?

914
00:54:35,583 --> 00:54:38,125
No one could accuse you of
not being explicit, sir.

915
00:54:38,375 --> 00:54:39,583
Thank you.

916
00:54:39,625 --> 00:54:41,791
However, your misreading of my

917
00:54:41,792 --> 00:54:44,583
potential is sublime
in its totality.

918
00:54:44,625 --> 00:54:47,583
Get them out of here,
Wilkins. Get 'em out.

919
00:54:47,625 --> 00:54:50,542
Right, sir. All right, dismissed.

920
00:54:52,000 --> 00:54:54,875
Straighten yourselves out there.

921
00:55:02,375 --> 00:55:05,332
Sergeant, huh. You stand
there like a dummy.

922
00:55:05,333 --> 00:55:07,833
You're unable to
control this rabble.

923
00:55:07,875 --> 00:55:10,875
I thought you said you
could handle them, sir.

924
00:55:10,917 --> 00:55:12,707
The sooner you're
transferred sergeant

925
00:55:12,708 --> 00:55:14,542
Wilkins, the better
for all concerned.

926
00:55:14,583 --> 00:55:18,000
Yes sir. Now don't you honestly
think that us old-timers

927
00:55:18,042 --> 00:55:20,583
ought to have a little more
Patience with these youngsters?

928
00:55:20,708 --> 00:55:24,875
Gaw. When I joined my first
station at sidcup north...

929
00:55:24,917 --> 00:55:26,292
Here we go again.

930
00:55:26,333 --> 00:55:28,541
We had a sergeant there,
he didn't stop to enquire

931
00:55:28,542 --> 00:55:30,374
whether we were
greenhorns or old sweats.

932
00:55:30,375 --> 00:55:32,167
We had to be on the
ball the whole time.

933
00:55:32,417 --> 00:55:34,874
I've seen some of the
young lads there sobbing

934
00:55:34,875 --> 00:55:37,042
their hearts out there
in the wash house.

935
00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:40,167
Least I think that's
what they were doing.

936
00:55:42,625 --> 00:55:44,583
Sergeant Wilkins.

937
00:55:44,625 --> 00:55:46,667
I'm sorry.

938
00:55:51,792 --> 00:55:54,041
And as for that
inspector, he was a

939
00:55:54,042 --> 00:55:56,417
holy terror. I
remember him saying...

940
00:55:57,083 --> 00:55:59,250
Roll on my pension.

941
00:56:12,208 --> 00:56:13,917
Going on patrol, sergeant.

942
00:56:13,958 --> 00:56:16,417
Right, passworthy.

943
00:56:41,958 --> 00:56:43,417
Why aren't you typing?

944
00:56:43,458 --> 00:56:46,708
My fingers hurt. Can
I do something else?

945
00:56:46,750 --> 00:56:49,375
I don't know. Can you?

946
00:57:04,125 --> 00:57:06,125
Come in.

947
00:57:09,583 --> 00:57:11,167
Oh, you.

948
00:57:11,208 --> 00:57:14,833
Yes, sir. Sergeant Wilkins sent me
sir. Said you wanted a constable.

949
00:57:15,083 --> 00:57:17,417
So I did, and look what I've got.

950
00:57:17,458 --> 00:57:19,042
Shall I go then sir?

951
00:57:19,083 --> 00:57:21,374
Ye... no, look, I've
got a very complex

952
00:57:21,375 --> 00:57:23,375
coordinated report
to make out here

953
00:57:23,417 --> 00:57:25,625
and I need some assistance.
My secretary's off.

954
00:57:25,667 --> 00:57:26,958
Flu?

955
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:28,375
No, having a baby.

956
00:57:28,417 --> 00:57:29,750
Makes a change.

957
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:31,458
Well not for her. It's her fourth.

958
00:57:31,500 --> 00:57:33,916
Oh, honestly sir.
Some of these girls

959
00:57:33,917 --> 00:57:36,250
you've only got to sneeze at them.

960
00:57:36,292 --> 00:57:38,957
Look, you didn't come here
to talk about my secretary.

961
00:57:38,958 --> 00:57:41,042
You're a distracting
personality, Potter.

962
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:42,292
Sorry, sir.

963
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:43,933
Well you will be if
you don't concentrate

964
00:57:43,958 --> 00:57:45,875
yes, sir.

965
00:57:45,917 --> 00:57:47,916
What do I have to
concentrate on, sir?

966
00:57:47,917 --> 00:57:49,875
Yes, well I've finished
with those. Burn 'em.

967
00:57:49,917 --> 00:57:51,500
Sir.

968
00:57:53,750 --> 00:57:56,042
Potter. What?

969
00:57:56,083 --> 00:57:57,416
Not those. But you
told me to, sir.

970
00:57:57,417 --> 00:58:00,667
They're my consolidated notes.
Oh Potter, I'm on fire.

971
00:58:00,708 --> 00:58:01,874
No you're not sir, but...

972
00:58:01,875 --> 00:58:04,750
You're jolly nearly. Jolly
lucky escape, this.

973
00:58:04,792 --> 00:58:07,250
The carpet. Get the
water. Don't panic.

974
00:58:09,167 --> 00:58:11,000
Stand clear, sir.

975
00:58:14,292 --> 00:58:16,333
Potter.

976
00:58:25,667 --> 00:58:28,125
Morning, officer.

977
00:58:28,167 --> 00:58:29,500
Yes, sir?

978
00:58:29,542 --> 00:58:30,792
Reporting.

979
00:58:30,833 --> 00:58:32,042
What for?

980
00:58:32,083 --> 00:58:33,250
For myself.

981
00:58:33,292 --> 00:58:35,833
Why? The terms of my release.

982
00:58:35,875 --> 00:58:41,000
From prison? How exciting, I've
never met a real criminal before.

983
00:58:41,250 --> 00:58:43,042
Who do you think you're
calling a criminal?

984
00:58:43,083 --> 00:58:46,374
Just a minute. Ah, bone
structure. I can tell

985
00:58:46,375 --> 00:58:49,292
you're going straight.
I'm sure of that.

986
00:58:49,333 --> 00:58:50,458
There are signs, you know.

987
00:58:50,500 --> 00:58:53,042
You'd er... trust me?

988
00:58:53,292 --> 00:58:55,417
Unhesitatingly. With my life.

989
00:58:55,708 --> 00:58:59,874
Constable, you don't know what it
feels like to be trusted again.

990
00:58:59,875 --> 00:59:01,124
To meet someone like
you, could make

991
00:59:01,125 --> 00:59:02,457
all the difference
in the world to me.

992
00:59:02,458 --> 00:59:05,166
I know, that's my entire
purpose. My whole point.

993
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:09,875
I want to help, not persecute
and punish. Now if...

994
00:59:09,917 --> 00:59:13,750
Exactly. Well, er... take my case.

995
00:59:13,792 --> 00:59:17,583
My father's estate
is worth £492,000.

996
00:59:17,625 --> 00:59:20,292
By rights, it's mine. Yet
our family solicitor,

997
00:59:20,333 --> 00:59:23,875
who's never liked me, has had it
tied up in chancery for years.

998
00:59:23,917 --> 00:59:28,791
Now, if I could only get hold
of £50 for legal expenses,

999
00:59:28,792 --> 00:59:31,458
I'd be able to make a case of it.

1000
00:59:31,500 --> 00:59:34,583
£50. That's all that stands
between me and my inheritance.

1001
00:59:34,625 --> 00:59:37,750
£50. I've got just that
in the post office.

1002
00:59:38,042 --> 00:59:40,707
Earning 2.5%?

1003
00:59:40,708 --> 00:59:43,082
If you lend it to me,
I could give you

1004
00:59:43,083 --> 00:59:45,500
5,000 when I win the
case, that's 500%.

1005
00:59:45,542 --> 00:59:49,125
Oh, far too generous. I'd feel
I was taking advantage of you.

1006
00:59:49,333 --> 00:59:52,542
Believe me, you're
not. Is it a deal?

1007
00:59:52,792 --> 00:59:54,042
Done.

1008
00:59:54,083 --> 00:59:55,875
You're being done
all right Benson.

1009
00:59:55,917 --> 00:59:57,499
Meet Herbert hall, the craftiest

1010
00:59:57,500 --> 00:59:59,583
confidence trickster
outside the knick.

1011
00:59:59,792 --> 01:00:02,041
Sorry son, I wouldn't
have taken your money.

1012
01:00:02,042 --> 01:00:04,958
But somehow I couldn't resist
you. You're such a born mug.

1013
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:08,332
It's written all
over you. There are

1014
01:00:08,333 --> 01:00:11,292
signs, you know, bone structure.

1015
01:00:11,333 --> 01:00:13,791
What a nerve. Coming
in here and trying

1016
01:00:13,792 --> 01:00:16,208
a thing like that on
me, a policeman.

1017
01:00:16,250 --> 01:00:18,499
Policeman. Look son,
you haven't got

1018
01:00:18,500 --> 01:00:20,542
the taste of the chin strap yet.

1019
01:00:26,500 --> 01:00:29,500
There we are. That's
a good job done.

1020
01:00:31,333 --> 01:00:34,583
I certainly feel like
a cup of char now.

1021
01:00:34,625 --> 01:00:38,125
I'm sure you do, but
you're not through yet

1022
01:00:41,458 --> 01:00:44,249
oh, no. All them
hours bashing away

1023
01:00:44,250 --> 01:00:47,208
and the carbon's the
wrong way round.

1024
01:01:11,542 --> 01:01:16,750
Thanks, wilkie. Thank goodness
mills has gone off this afternoon.

1025
01:01:16,792 --> 01:01:21,333
What do you mean this afternoon?
He's been off for months.

1026
01:01:21,375 --> 01:01:22,957
How's that passworthy
girl shaping?

1027
01:01:22,958 --> 01:01:25,083
She's shaped.

1028
01:01:25,125 --> 01:01:27,332
A weights and measures,
a road safety and a

1029
01:01:27,333 --> 01:01:29,667
breach of the peace, all
on her first patrol.

1030
01:01:29,708 --> 01:01:32,792
When's she bringing
in Jack the ripper?

1031
01:01:32,833 --> 01:01:36,958
Strange that the only
efficient rookie's a woman.

1032
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:38,874
Oh, I wouldn't say
that. Potter's on

1033
01:01:38,875 --> 01:01:40,666
a job right now
that must go right.

1034
01:01:40,667 --> 01:01:42,499
I mean after all
the landed gentry,

1035
01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:43,958
they're all good with dogs.

1036
01:01:51,167 --> 01:01:56,292
Oh, heel, heel, heel. Good
dog, good dog, good dog.

1037
01:02:02,167 --> 01:02:05,250
I'm frightfully sor... sir.

1038
01:02:06,125 --> 01:02:08,833
Let me help you out. Ah.

1039
01:02:15,125 --> 01:02:17,457
Me, who hasn't had a
cold for 23 years,

1040
01:02:17,458 --> 01:02:20,292
Wilkins. Now go and get
Potter, I'm going to...

1041
01:02:20,333 --> 01:02:22,207
Now calm down sir.
You'll only send your

1042
01:02:22,208 --> 01:02:23,917
temperature up and
you'll feel worse

1043
01:02:23,958 --> 01:02:25,375
there you go again Wilkins.

1044
01:02:25,417 --> 01:02:27,582
Protecting these
incompetent nincompoops

1045
01:02:27,583 --> 01:02:29,583
from the consequences
of their own...

1046
01:02:29,625 --> 01:02:31,707
Now leave it to me sir.
I'll tell him off.

1047
01:02:31,708 --> 01:02:33,750
Why don't you take a
few days sick leave?

1048
01:02:33,792 --> 01:02:36,708
And what would happen to
this station, without me?

1049
01:02:36,750 --> 01:02:39,625
I'd rather not say, sir.

1050
01:02:41,750 --> 01:02:44,542
I will not have them go out
unless they're accompanied,

1051
01:02:44,583 --> 01:02:46,667
by someone compos
mentis to go with them.

1052
01:02:46,833 --> 01:02:48,625
Even though we're
understaffed, sir?

1053
01:02:48,667 --> 01:02:54,250
Those are my orders, Wilkins.
You always want to argue.

1054
01:02:55,083 --> 01:02:58,083
What a stinker I've got. What
about Potter, has he got a...?

1055
01:02:58,333 --> 01:03:00,499
No, sir, not a sniff.

1056
01:03:00,500 --> 01:03:02,583
The injustice of it.

1057
01:03:02,625 --> 01:03:04,416
Why don't you look on
the bright side, sir.

1058
01:03:04,417 --> 01:03:05,999
You know, you think
of all the times

1059
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:07,874
you've torn a strip off
certain constables

1060
01:03:07,875 --> 01:03:09,667
and said they couldn't
even catch a cold.

1061
01:03:09,875 --> 01:03:15,083
Now you could say that to Potter
and be right. For the first time.

1062
01:03:26,083 --> 01:03:27,250
Morning, constable.

1063
01:03:27,292 --> 01:03:29,417
Good morning, sergeant moon.

1064
01:03:29,458 --> 01:03:31,542
Let's not beat about the bush.

1065
01:03:31,583 --> 01:03:33,375
All right.

1066
01:03:33,417 --> 01:03:37,625
You're in love with
passworthy, yes or no?

1067
01:03:37,667 --> 01:03:41,792
Supposing I am, what's
it to do with you?

1068
01:03:42,042 --> 01:03:45,667
I'm concerned with the
efficiency of the force.

1069
01:03:45,708 --> 01:03:48,166
You in a daze, her wondering
why you're in a daze

1070
01:03:48,167 --> 01:03:53,250
means two units of personnel at
less than maximum efficiency.

1071
01:03:53,292 --> 01:03:56,042
The sooner you two get sorted out
the better for the force. Right?

1072
01:03:57,125 --> 01:03:58,208
Right.

1073
01:03:58,250 --> 01:04:00,624
Well then, do something about it.

1074
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:04,833
I can't till I know
whether she's a Virgo.

1075
01:04:04,875 --> 01:04:06,125
I beg your pardon?

1076
01:04:06,250 --> 01:04:09,166
Astrology. You see
my horoscope says

1077
01:04:09,167 --> 01:04:11,958
I stand my best chance of romantic
happiness with a Virgo subject.

1078
01:04:12,208 --> 01:04:14,541
So I've got to know
her birthday. I can't

1079
01:04:14,542 --> 01:04:16,917
make a move. It's vital,
it's significant.

1080
01:04:17,125 --> 01:04:19,916
It's here.

1081
01:04:19,917 --> 01:04:22,833
Would you like me to look it up?

1082
01:04:30,083 --> 01:04:32,583
Passworthy, Gloria.

1083
01:04:33,542 --> 01:04:35,708
Gloria.

1084
01:04:35,750 --> 01:04:38,792
Date of birth. August the 24th.

1085
01:04:43,208 --> 01:04:45,292
Virgo.

1086
01:04:45,875 --> 01:04:48,542
Ooh, Gloria.

1087
01:05:04,042 --> 01:05:08,458
I'm so happy to be out
on patrol with you.

1088
01:05:08,542 --> 01:05:11,624
Oh, do stop that. It's
not good for a police

1089
01:05:11,625 --> 01:05:14,375
officer to be seen
chortling on patrol.

1090
01:05:14,417 --> 01:05:18,208
Quite right. Must
be more dignified.

1091
01:05:23,042 --> 01:05:25,250
Ho, ho.

1092
01:05:25,292 --> 01:05:27,124
What is the matter with you?

1093
01:05:27,125 --> 01:05:29,333
I can't help it, I'm happy.

1094
01:05:29,375 --> 01:05:34,583
I'm about to become an efficient
unit of personnel. Oh, Gloria...

1095
01:05:34,625 --> 01:05:37,582
Constable, kindly
address me properly

1096
01:05:37,583 --> 01:05:40,292
and... don't look at me like that.

1097
01:05:42,250 --> 01:05:45,125
Right, policewoman passworthy.

1098
01:05:48,417 --> 01:05:52,750
But listen to me. You've
got to listen to me.

1099
01:05:52,792 --> 01:05:58,292
I'm happy and I want to make you
happy too, my dear... policewoman.

1100
01:05:59,250 --> 01:06:04,000
I love you, policewoman
passworthy. I'm crazy about you.

1101
01:06:04,042 --> 01:06:06,957
I couldn't tell you because of the
stars, policewoman, my sweetheart.

1102
01:06:06,958 --> 01:06:08,874
The stars, you see.
Instinct can be

1103
01:06:08,875 --> 01:06:10,625
misleading, but the stars, never.

1104
01:06:10,667 --> 01:06:14,708
And they say that it's all
right, policewoman passworthy.

1105
01:06:14,750 --> 01:06:20,292
Oh, do return my love, policewoman
passworthy. Gloria, Virgo. Ooh.

1106
01:06:27,750 --> 01:06:32,292
Kindly get that vehicle
off the road, madam.

1107
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,166
Gorse, I've got an idea. I'm fed
up with being cooped up like this.

1108
01:06:51,167 --> 01:06:53,208
Treating us like children.
It's humiliating.

1109
01:06:53,250 --> 01:06:54,916
We're not allowed out
on our own today,

1110
01:06:54,917 --> 01:06:57,332
inspector's orders, and there's
nothing we can do about it.

1111
01:06:57,333 --> 01:06:59,374
Oh yes there is. We can
show that inspector

1112
01:06:59,375 --> 01:07:01,083
he couldn't even
inspect gas metres.

1113
01:07:01,125 --> 01:07:03,375
Absolutely splendid, but how?

1114
01:07:03,417 --> 01:07:05,583
Come with me, out the back way.

1115
01:07:05,625 --> 01:07:07,667
We daren't.

1116
01:07:07,708 --> 01:07:11,833
Dare nothing, achieve
nothing. You with me?

1117
01:07:11,875 --> 01:07:13,249
Yes, Benson. Come on, then.

1118
01:07:13,250 --> 01:07:14,875
Right.

1119
01:07:20,792 --> 01:07:22,416
Do you say this is
the department where

1120
01:07:22,417 --> 01:07:23,916
most of the trouble
occurs? Isn't it?

1121
01:07:23,917 --> 01:07:25,749
Dreadful. What with our
being so busy now,

1122
01:07:25,750 --> 01:07:27,625
and so many of our
assistants away with flu.

1123
01:07:27,667 --> 01:07:29,667
Ideal conditions for
shoplifting, in fact.

1124
01:07:29,708 --> 01:07:31,750
And for observation too.

1125
01:07:31,792 --> 01:07:33,750
Yes, exactly. Just
leave this to us, sir.

1126
01:07:33,792 --> 01:07:36,375
Gladly, but excuse me I
hardly think anyone's likely

1127
01:07:36,417 --> 01:07:39,000
to steal something while two
policemen marching about.

1128
01:07:39,042 --> 01:07:42,667
Oh, goodness, I hadn't thought
of that. Had you, Benson?

1129
01:07:42,708 --> 01:07:45,375
Yes... yes of course I have.

1130
01:07:45,625 --> 01:07:49,708
We shall require, sir, just
a little help from you.

1131
01:08:01,542 --> 01:08:04,208
Get out of the way.

1132
01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:10,374
Do you know, I haven't
done this since

1133
01:08:10,375 --> 01:08:13,167
I was in the army,
at a camp concert.

1134
01:08:13,208 --> 01:08:15,250
This is no laughing matter, gorse.

1135
01:08:15,292 --> 01:08:19,875
I say, you mustn't call me that.
Not when we're on special duty.

1136
01:08:19,917 --> 01:08:23,624
Oh, yes, well, er... Agatha, then.

1137
01:08:23,625 --> 01:08:27,250
Thank you and I shall call
you... now let me see...

1138
01:08:27,292 --> 01:08:30,542
Call me Ethel. It was
my grandma's name.

1139
01:08:30,792 --> 01:08:34,417
If grandmama could see you
now, she'd be so proud.

1140
01:08:34,458 --> 01:08:37,250
Well, to work, to work.

1141
01:08:38,417 --> 01:08:40,208
Are you ready, Agatha?

1142
01:08:40,250 --> 01:08:42,667
If you are, Ethel.

1143
01:08:44,417 --> 01:08:46,458
Let's go.

1144
01:08:57,875 --> 01:08:59,917
Do you have to keep
your glasses on?

1145
01:08:59,958 --> 01:09:02,542
Why? You don't look pretty enough.

1146
01:09:02,583 --> 01:09:05,250
Well really. You're no
brigitte bardot either.

1147
01:09:05,417 --> 01:09:07,125
There's no need to shout.

1148
01:09:07,167 --> 01:09:11,375
And there's no need to
make personal remarks.

1149
01:09:12,083 --> 01:09:14,042
I beg your pardon, Agatha.

1150
01:09:14,083 --> 01:09:16,042
Granted, I'm sure, Ethel.

1151
01:09:16,083 --> 01:09:18,333
Can I help you, ladies?

1152
01:09:22,542 --> 01:09:28,250
Young girl, we are not
ladies, we are policemen.

1153
01:09:28,542 --> 01:09:33,333
Special investigation.
Carry on working as usual.

1154
01:09:37,458 --> 01:09:41,792
Alice, the manager, quick. Gone
out? Well, all right, get anyone.

1155
01:09:41,833 --> 01:09:45,208
Sir? There are a couple
of loonies up here.

1156
01:09:47,917 --> 01:09:51,207
Pretend to look at these.
Look at her, that's

1157
01:09:51,208 --> 01:09:54,042
criminal type if ever
I saw one. Watch.

1158
01:09:59,292 --> 01:10:03,542
Did you see that? Can I tell
at a glance or can I not?

1159
01:10:03,958 --> 01:10:06,542
The brazen hussy.
Let's apprehend her.

1160
01:10:06,583 --> 01:10:07,624
No, wait.

1161
01:10:07,625 --> 01:10:10,291
To make a shoplifting
charge stick, you must

1162
01:10:10,292 --> 01:10:12,750
challenge the suspect
outside the store.

1163
01:10:12,792 --> 01:10:15,083
But of course. Come on, then.

1164
01:10:21,458 --> 01:10:23,708
Hello. Hello sir, they're leaving.

1165
01:10:25,917 --> 01:10:27,875
Just a moment, madam.

1166
01:10:27,917 --> 01:10:29,792
Show us your girdle.

1167
01:10:29,833 --> 01:10:31,708
I beg your pardon?

1168
01:10:31,958 --> 01:10:33,916
Did you deny that
you took a girdle

1169
01:10:33,917 --> 01:10:35,625
from that store without paying?

1170
01:10:35,667 --> 01:10:37,957
Now, ladies, please.

1171
01:10:37,958 --> 01:10:40,249
Aha. The corpus delicti.

1172
01:10:40,250 --> 01:10:41,707
Name and address please,
we're the police.

1173
01:10:41,708 --> 01:10:42,749
Prove it.

1174
01:10:42,750 --> 01:10:43,875
Don't be ridiculous.

1175
01:10:44,458 --> 01:10:46,583
It's a mistake. A
dreadful mistake.

1176
01:10:46,625 --> 01:10:48,708
They all say that. Name?

1177
01:10:48,958 --> 01:10:51,832
I am the lady mayoress
of this borough,

1178
01:10:51,833 --> 01:10:54,458
and I have an account
at this store.

1179
01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:56,792
- A likely...
- An account.

1180
01:10:56,833 --> 01:10:57,957
- These are the two.
- I see.

1181
01:10:57,958 --> 01:11:00,375
- Now what's all the fuss about?
- There's been a mistake.

1182
01:11:00,417 --> 01:11:02,333
Oh yes, they all say that.
We call it stealing.

1183
01:11:04,125 --> 01:11:05,916
- Cripes.
- Stealing.

1184
01:11:05,917 --> 01:11:07,083
Fetch the police.

1185
01:11:07,167 --> 01:11:08,792
Wait, you fool, we are the police.

1186
01:11:08,833 --> 01:11:10,750
Ask the manager.
Hasn't he told you.

1187
01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:13,708
No he hasn't. He's gone out.
You better come quietly.

1188
01:11:13,750 --> 01:11:16,292
Our uniforms, there in the
ladies... changing room.

1189
01:11:16,333 --> 01:11:17,708
A likely story. Come along now.

1190
01:11:17,750 --> 01:11:19,292
Gorse, run for it.

1191
01:11:19,333 --> 01:11:20,875
Wait a moment.

1192
01:11:32,792 --> 01:11:34,832
Now Potter, you've got to try
and pull yourself together.

1193
01:11:34,833 --> 01:11:35,874
Yes, sergeant.

1194
01:11:35,875 --> 01:11:37,832
Every single thing you've done
up to now has been a mess.

1195
01:11:37,833 --> 01:11:39,666
- Yes, sergeant.
- Hello, constable.

1196
01:11:39,667 --> 01:11:41,625
Hello, mrs may. Oh,
jolly good show.

1197
01:11:41,667 --> 01:11:44,292
All due to you, dear boy.

1198
01:11:47,667 --> 01:11:49,083
Potter. Are you listening?

1199
01:11:49,125 --> 01:11:50,499
Yes, sergeant.

1200
01:11:50,500 --> 01:11:51,851
Well you're lucky
you're not on report.

1201
01:11:51,875 --> 01:11:54,292
- Good morning. Hello.
- Will you pay attention Potter

1202
01:11:54,333 --> 01:11:57,125
whatever you have been
associated with has gone wrong.

1203
01:11:57,167 --> 01:11:58,666
- Yes, sergeant.
- You've gotta watch it.

1204
01:11:58,667 --> 01:12:00,333
Hello.

1205
01:12:00,375 --> 01:12:02,833
Hello, miss Barry.
Eric, I presume.

1206
01:12:02,875 --> 01:12:04,708
How do you do. I
want to thank you.

1207
01:12:04,750 --> 01:12:06,250
Oh, not at all. Not at all.

1208
01:12:06,500 --> 01:12:07,625
We've got a flat.

1209
01:12:07,667 --> 01:12:10,333
- And we're buying furniture.
- Contemporary.

1210
01:12:10,375 --> 01:12:12,042
Only if you want it, Eric.

1211
01:12:12,083 --> 01:12:13,750
I want what you want, darling.

1212
01:12:13,792 --> 01:12:16,667
In that case, name
him Tom after me.

1213
01:12:21,875 --> 01:12:24,416
Well, almost everything
you've touched

1214
01:12:24,417 --> 01:12:26,958
seems to have been
screwed up. Come on.

1215
01:12:27,333 --> 01:12:29,101
I don't know how many times
I've got to tell you...

1216
01:12:29,125 --> 01:12:33,166
And there I was. 17 yobs
in that pub there were.

1217
01:12:33,167 --> 01:12:36,875
All standing round there,
watching, waiting.

1218
01:12:36,917 --> 01:12:39,792
So I took off my duty armlet...

1219
01:12:39,833 --> 01:12:41,167
Yes, sergeant.

1220
01:12:41,208 --> 01:12:43,707
And I said "right,
I'm off duty now."

1221
01:12:43,708 --> 01:12:48,417
"Anybody cares to come outside,
I'll take you on, one at a time."

1222
01:12:48,458 --> 01:12:49,750
What happened sergeant?

1223
01:12:49,792 --> 01:12:52,458
They knocked my head off.

1224
01:12:53,708 --> 01:12:55,707
Let that be a lesson
to you. Never take

1225
01:12:55,708 --> 01:12:57,792
your duty armlet off
at the wrong time...

1226
01:12:58,708 --> 01:13:00,333
That Van shouldn't be there.

1227
01:13:00,375 --> 01:13:02,375
Obstruction?

1228
01:13:09,667 --> 01:13:11,624
Wages?

1229
01:13:13,917 --> 01:13:15,582
Can you drive? Rather.

1230
01:13:15,583 --> 01:13:17,625
After them.

1231
01:13:24,083 --> 01:13:25,708
Potter.

1232
01:13:28,958 --> 01:13:30,667
Did you get their number?

1233
01:13:30,708 --> 01:13:32,708
Afraid not.

1234
01:14:05,708 --> 01:14:11,667
Paper. Paper. Wage
thieves get £100,000.

1235
01:14:15,042 --> 01:14:16,499
I'm putting you all
on official report.

1236
01:14:16,500 --> 01:14:18,083
Have you got anything to say?

1237
01:14:18,125 --> 01:14:19,208
Yes, sir.

1238
01:14:19,250 --> 01:14:21,082
I didn't ask you,
thank you sergeant.

1239
01:14:21,083 --> 01:14:23,166
If I had my way, I'd
suspend the whole

1240
01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:24,916
lot of you from duty immediately.

1241
01:14:24,917 --> 01:14:27,082
Unfortunately, it's
out of my hands.

1242
01:14:27,083 --> 01:14:29,000
It's got to come from higher up.

1243
01:14:29,042 --> 01:14:30,666
But I tell you what I will do.

1244
01:14:30,667 --> 01:14:32,916
I'll send you all out
today in pairs, so

1245
01:14:32,917 --> 01:14:34,958
that you can watch
each other's step.

1246
01:14:35,000 --> 01:14:38,000
And my report goes in
sharp at 3 o'clock.

1247
01:14:38,042 --> 01:14:39,917
That's all, sergeant.

1248
01:14:39,958 --> 01:14:42,000
Dismissed.

1249
01:14:46,458 --> 01:14:48,499
And as for you, sergeant
Wilkins, this is

1250
01:14:48,500 --> 01:14:50,583
the limit. I'm applying
for your transfer.

1251
01:14:50,625 --> 01:14:52,374
Yes, sir. Now what
about these boys.

1252
01:14:52,375 --> 01:14:53,958
They're only beginners, you know.

1253
01:14:54,000 --> 01:14:56,791
Still trying to protect
them. Why? Now I want a

1254
01:14:56,792 --> 01:14:59,542
straight answer this time,
and that's an order.

1255
01:14:59,917 --> 01:15:02,582
All right sir. I'll
give you an answer.

1256
01:15:02,583 --> 01:15:03,976
I have been in the
force a long time,

1257
01:15:04,000 --> 01:15:05,624
but I still remember
the bloomers that I

1258
01:15:05,625 --> 01:15:07,207
made when I was also
as green as grass.

1259
01:15:07,208 --> 01:15:09,000
What's that got to do with it?

1260
01:15:09,042 --> 01:15:11,042
It's got everything to do with it.

1261
01:15:12,333 --> 01:15:13,917
Sir.

1262
01:15:13,958 --> 01:15:15,124
Ah, what's the use?

1263
01:15:15,125 --> 01:15:16,582
I don't believe in
wet-nursing them either,

1264
01:15:16,583 --> 01:15:17,832
but I do believe that we should

1265
01:15:17,833 --> 01:15:19,416
forget about the
rule book sometimes,

1266
01:15:19,417 --> 01:15:21,041
particularly when it's
an emergency like this.

1267
01:15:21,042 --> 01:15:23,083
And that, sir, is all.

1268
01:15:23,333 --> 01:15:25,832
And that, sergeant, is
quite enough. Now if you

1269
01:15:25,833 --> 01:15:28,333
don't mind, I'll get on
with writing my report.

1270
01:15:28,375 --> 01:15:30,417
Sir.

1271
01:15:32,542 --> 01:15:34,708
And you.

1272
01:15:41,292 --> 01:15:43,166
Don't worry, it may never happen.

1273
01:15:43,167 --> 01:15:46,042
It has happened, I'm on me way.

1274
01:15:46,083 --> 01:15:51,500
Oh, I'll miss you. You're
a very fine colleague.

1275
01:15:51,708 --> 01:15:54,000
Thanks, Laura.

1276
01:15:54,042 --> 01:15:55,792
You've never called
me that before.

1277
01:15:55,833 --> 01:15:57,458
I have, hundreds of times.

1278
01:15:57,500 --> 01:15:59,083
No you haven't.

1279
01:15:59,292 --> 01:16:00,625
You know something?

1280
01:16:00,667 --> 01:16:03,333
What? All of a sudden, I'm
gonna' miss you, too.

1281
01:16:03,917 --> 01:16:05,541
Do you really mean that, frank?

1282
01:16:05,542 --> 01:16:07,416
Now you've never
called me that before.

1283
01:16:07,417 --> 01:16:10,208
I've wanted to hundreds of times.

1284
01:16:10,458 --> 01:16:12,541
Well how about that.
All this time I didn't

1285
01:16:12,542 --> 01:16:14,417
even know that you
thought I was alive.

1286
01:16:14,458 --> 01:16:16,207
Ah, what's the use.
In a couple of days,

1287
01:16:16,208 --> 01:16:17,874
he'll have me posted
miles away to some

1288
01:16:17,875 --> 01:16:21,917
dead-and-alive hole helping
cows across the village street.

1289
01:16:21,958 --> 01:16:24,375
It's a scandal. An officer
of your experience being

1290
01:16:24,417 --> 01:16:27,125
sacrificed for the incompetence
of that conniving little...

1291
01:16:27,167 --> 01:16:29,541
Oh, I asked for it. I
can't complain, I've

1292
01:16:29,542 --> 01:16:31,750
had my say. I've had
a run for me money.

1293
01:16:31,792 --> 01:16:32,916
But, frank...

1294
01:16:32,917 --> 01:16:34,666
So how's the roster
going then? You still

1295
01:16:34,667 --> 01:16:36,292
trying to get a quart
into a pint pot?

1296
01:16:36,333 --> 01:16:38,417
Something like that.

1297
01:16:38,458 --> 01:16:41,250
Let's see if we can work
something out together.

1298
01:16:41,292 --> 01:16:43,833
All right. Let's do that.

1299
01:16:45,292 --> 01:16:47,916
Supposing we made a lot of
arrests during the day.

1300
01:16:47,917 --> 01:16:50,458
Do you think we'd make old
mills change his mind.

1301
01:16:50,500 --> 01:16:51,750
What mind?

1302
01:16:51,792 --> 01:16:56,750
Oh, Benson, we've got to do
something, I need this job.

1303
01:16:58,625 --> 01:17:02,208
Motorists, I bet we could bag
a dozen if we really tried.

1304
01:17:02,250 --> 01:17:04,791
That wouldn't help,
Potter. We're for

1305
01:17:04,792 --> 01:17:07,125
it, and that's all there is to it.

1306
01:17:10,458 --> 01:17:13,500
Benson. Benson, old man, the car.

1307
01:17:13,750 --> 01:17:17,124
What car? You mean the thieves'
car? How could you possibly know?

1308
01:17:17,125 --> 01:17:19,167
Yesterday you couldn't
even describe it.

1309
01:17:19,208 --> 01:17:23,708
Dent on rear left mudguard.
Suddenly, it all came back to me.

1310
01:17:23,750 --> 01:17:26,374
Potter, I beg you.
This is a critical

1311
01:17:26,375 --> 01:17:28,917
moment in our careers.
Are you sure?

1312
01:17:28,958 --> 01:17:30,125
Positive.

1313
01:17:30,167 --> 01:17:31,833
Right.

1314
01:17:36,542 --> 01:17:39,666
This doesn't prove anything,
except they dumped it here.

1315
01:17:39,667 --> 01:17:41,958
Oh gosh, that's
right. They must be

1316
01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,458
well away by now.
Out of the country.

1317
01:17:44,500 --> 01:17:46,874
No, wait Potter. That's
exactly what they want

1318
01:17:46,875 --> 01:17:49,208
us to believe. That they're
out of the country.

1319
01:17:49,250 --> 01:17:52,125
The cunning bounders.
What'll we do?

1320
01:17:52,375 --> 01:17:57,333
I've got it. I know exactly where
those crooks are hiding out.

1321
01:17:57,375 --> 01:17:59,125
Benson, where?

1322
01:17:59,333 --> 01:18:02,250
Here, in this very area.

1323
01:18:02,542 --> 01:18:05,499
Of course, they want us
to put out a nationwide

1324
01:18:05,500 --> 01:18:07,750
search, when all the
time they're...

1325
01:18:07,792 --> 01:18:10,166
Oh, Benson, Benson, brilliant.

1326
01:18:10,167 --> 01:18:13,167
Brilliant. I have
to hand it to you.

1327
01:18:13,208 --> 01:18:17,416
But we're not handing it to anyone
else. Now listen, this is ours.

1328
01:18:17,417 --> 01:18:20,750
We need the kudos of
capturing them by 3 o'clock.

1329
01:18:20,792 --> 01:18:23,124
Capturing them. Oh lord,
if only we could.

1330
01:18:23,125 --> 01:18:27,041
You call the station. Only
tell them about the car.

1331
01:18:27,042 --> 01:18:29,125
They'll have it towed to
the yard for a lab test.

1332
01:18:29,167 --> 01:18:32,042
I'll get Charlie and gorse off the
beat and we'll meet you back here.

1333
01:18:32,083 --> 01:18:33,125
- Roger.
- Right

1334
01:18:34,458 --> 01:18:38,125
police station.
Yes, Potter. Right.

1335
01:18:38,167 --> 01:18:40,250
They found the car in church road.

1336
01:18:40,292 --> 01:18:43,000
Sergeant, they've found the car.

1337
01:18:43,042 --> 01:18:44,708
Sir, they've found the car.

1338
01:18:44,750 --> 01:18:46,166
Then take it away
from them, before

1339
01:18:46,167 --> 01:18:47,541
they smother it with fingerprints.

1340
01:18:47,542 --> 01:18:50,208
All right sarge, I'm on my way.

1341
01:18:50,667 --> 01:18:52,917
Police station. Can I help...

1342
01:19:10,542 --> 01:19:11,749
Right, now we can get cracking.

1343
01:19:11,750 --> 01:19:13,082
No we can't, don't be ridiculous.

1344
01:19:13,083 --> 01:19:15,542
We'll never find them, beside
the omens are all against us.

1345
01:19:15,750 --> 01:19:17,792
Oh, shut up about your omens.

1346
01:19:17,833 --> 01:19:20,292
Gorse, have you thought of
anywhere they might be hiding?

1347
01:19:20,333 --> 01:19:22,667
Why yes. There's a street
not far from here.

1348
01:19:22,708 --> 01:19:25,542
It's full of tatty lodging
houses, awful thoroughfare.

1349
01:19:25,583 --> 01:19:26,917
Well, what's it called?

1350
01:19:26,958 --> 01:19:32,583
Well it's known locally as the
street of a thousand mouse-holes.

1351
01:19:32,792 --> 01:19:34,875
Follow me.

1352
01:19:43,917 --> 01:19:46,167
150 houses checked
and not a sausage.

1353
01:19:46,208 --> 01:19:49,042
I told you this was a wild-goose
chase, didn't I. The omens...

1354
01:19:49,083 --> 01:19:51,291
If you say one more word
about the supernatural...

1355
01:19:51,292 --> 01:19:52,332
Now look here,

1356
01:19:52,333 --> 01:19:54,249
you cannot silence the
voice of truth with

1357
01:19:54,250 --> 01:19:56,624
empty threats, Benson.
I told you, all of you

1358
01:19:56,625 --> 01:20:00,375
that this assignment was doomed
from the moment we arrived.

1359
01:20:00,417 --> 01:20:04,917
And now we're done. Done
proper. Done crisp.

1360
01:20:07,042 --> 01:20:11,207
Halt and hush a moment.
Look yonder. That house,

1361
01:20:11,208 --> 01:20:14,083
been empty for years. They're
going to pull it down.

1362
01:20:14,125 --> 01:20:15,874
If it doesn't fall down first.

1363
01:20:15,875 --> 01:20:20,375
Gentlemen, look rather
more closely. There.

1364
01:20:20,417 --> 01:20:21,916
It could be.

1365
01:20:21,917 --> 01:20:24,875
Oh, never. Somebody just backed
in to turn around. That's all.

1366
01:20:25,083 --> 01:20:27,125
We've simply got to check on it.

1367
01:20:27,167 --> 01:20:29,917
I'm game. Come on then.

1368
01:21:14,875 --> 01:21:17,457
You and your
mastermind. I told you

1369
01:21:17,458 --> 01:21:19,667
we was crazy to hide out here.

1370
01:21:19,708 --> 01:21:21,388
Tired of the stately
home already, are you?

1371
01:21:22,542 --> 01:21:25,875
Then how about leaving. Very
soon, in coppers' uniforms.

1372
01:21:50,375 --> 01:21:52,417
Ah.

1373
01:21:57,333 --> 01:21:58,500
Oh.

1374
01:21:59,667 --> 01:22:02,125
Yes, all right.

1375
01:22:37,958 --> 01:22:40,875
Really, do you have to? Ooh.

1376
01:22:40,917 --> 01:22:42,958
Beg pardon.

1377
01:22:44,583 --> 01:22:46,208
Help.

1378
01:22:53,875 --> 01:22:58,583
All right, boys, scrub the
uniforms. Let's get out of here.

1379
01:23:04,208 --> 01:23:06,250
Come on.

1380
01:23:15,292 --> 01:23:18,167
I've got him. I've got him.

1381
01:23:19,208 --> 01:23:21,042
Why you, come back
here. Come back.

1382
01:23:21,083 --> 01:23:23,083
You fool.

1383
01:23:28,875 --> 01:23:32,958
Ridiculous. The whole
thing's absurd.

1384
01:24:11,792 --> 01:24:14,916
Actually, the real turning
point, was when I found

1385
01:24:14,917 --> 01:24:17,583
out that your birthday
was August the 24th.

1386
01:24:17,625 --> 01:24:22,500
August? Whatever
gave you that idea?

1387
01:24:22,542 --> 01:24:25,917
You... you mean that you're...?

1388
01:24:26,167 --> 01:24:28,625
Passworthy, switchboard.

1389
01:24:28,667 --> 01:24:30,667
Yes, sergeant.

1390
01:24:35,167 --> 01:24:39,208
Sergeant, you told
me August the 24th.

1391
01:24:39,250 --> 01:24:42,916
Oh, well, does it
make any difference?

1392
01:24:42,917 --> 01:24:46,417
Surely you're not
that superstitious?

1393
01:24:50,458 --> 01:24:52,708
Superstitious?

1394
01:24:55,542 --> 01:24:58,667
Just one moment.
Connecting you now, sir.

1395
01:25:00,958 --> 01:25:02,249
Hello.

1396
01:25:02,250 --> 01:25:04,750
Listen.

1397
01:25:04,792 --> 01:25:06,124
Oh hello, chief constable.

1398
01:25:06,125 --> 01:25:10,542
Hello mills. Well you've certainly
shown you can inspire recruits.

1399
01:25:10,792 --> 01:25:12,167
Well thank you, sir.

1400
01:25:12,208 --> 01:25:14,917
So much so, I've decided to
transfer you immediately,

1401
01:25:14,958 --> 01:25:17,792
to the area college in charge
of morale and discipline.

1402
01:25:17,833 --> 01:25:20,167
I don't know what to say, sir.

1403
01:25:20,208 --> 01:25:23,458
Tell sergeant Wilkins to take
over the station, will you mills.

1404
01:25:23,500 --> 01:25:25,042
Temporarily, sir, of course?

1405
01:25:25,083 --> 01:25:28,125
No, he's being promoted
to inspector at once.

1406
01:25:28,167 --> 01:25:31,125
I'm so glad, sir. He's
just the man for the job.

1407
01:25:31,375 --> 01:25:32,666
Goodbye, mills.

1408
01:25:32,667 --> 01:25:35,542
Goodbye, sir, and thank you.

1409
01:25:39,375 --> 01:25:41,041
I want everybody in
here immediately,

1410
01:25:41,042 --> 01:25:42,250
I've got some news for you.

1411
01:25:42,500 --> 01:25:44,958
All right, line up
behind thurston.

1412
01:25:48,500 --> 01:25:50,625
Attention.

1413
01:25:50,792 --> 01:25:53,541
What this station
needs is a bit of

1414
01:25:53,542 --> 01:25:56,125
discipline. Right
turn. Quick march.

1415
01:26:03,083 --> 01:26:04,333
Harfison.

1416
01:26:04,375 --> 01:26:05,542
Potter.

1417
01:26:05,583 --> 01:26:08,042
Oh, yes, sir.